Peaky practices

HAVE you found yourself needing to spend a penny while out and about recently? If so, you’re probably well aware of the great British toilet crisis. After a century and a half of faithful service, our public conveniences are going down the pan. More than 1,780 UK loos have been closed in the last decade as cash-strapped I’M thinking of getting myself a portable defibrillator so that passers-by can shock me back to life when I keel over.

Because according to a nasty outbreak of medical studies I’m heading for a heart attack any day soon.

Firstly I’m a bit of a stress bunny, which apparently increases my chances of having a cardiac arrest by 43 per cent.

Secondly I’m unmarried and statistically a Miss is more at risk than a Mrs.

I eat my dinner after 7pm most nights (bad), enjoy red meat (very bad), still have salt on my chips (very, very bad).

I drink tea, not coffee, and coffee could slash my risk of cardiovascular disease by a fifth.

I’ve also got a dodgy back and, like millions of people, take non-steroidal anti-inflammatory pain killers.

But according to a study this week, those pills raise my chance of heart failure by almost 20 per cent.

So the odds on me even finishing this column ain’t great, are they?

Of course, I was only joking about the defibrillator and I’m genuinely not concerned about my ticker.

But you can see why people worry about alarming medical stories in the news almost daily.

Why they start googling their local councils struggle to make savings. Ten areas, including Newcastle, Merthyr Tydfil and Wandsworth, have no public toilets – and dozens more are being wiped out every year. And the British Toilet Association (yes, there is one) says this affects health, wellbeing, equality, social inclusion and public dignity as “we don’t want people being forced to urinate in the streets”. medication and symptoms and find even more terrifying “advice” on blogs and forums frequented by hypochondriacs and Munchausen sufferers.

What they should be doing is going to the surgery and asking their GPs’ advice. That is if they can actually get an appointment.

Because last year 14 million patients waited more than a week to see a GP – up by a third in three years – and practices are at breaking point because of an acute shortage of doctors. The Department of Health says investment in general practices rose by 5 per cent in 2015 and t he Government is committed to “retaining a healthy GP workforce well into the future”.

But the Royal College of General Practitioners warns family doctors are retiring without enough medical students coming through to replace them.

By 2020 we’ll have a shortage of 10,000 GPs, 600 practices will be forced to close and lives will be at risk.

RCGP chair Dr Maureen Baker rightly says “It is imperative that we recruit huge numbers of medical students and foundation doctors into general practice to keep the NHS on its feet.”

Because the consequences of our National Health Service collapsing are too shocking to contemplate. THE Duchess of Cambridge has been looking fabulous on the family tour of Canada – especially in that stunning red evening gown.

But the fashionistas are now banging on about Kate’s “edgy” style. Edgy?

I’d say the edgiest member of the Cambridge family is young Prince George who clearly hasn’t read the royal rule book yet (OK, he is onlynly three.)

Did you see the disdainful lookk he gave Canadian PM Justin n Trudeau who tried in vain to highhfive him at the airport?

This is the same lad who made ade the leader of the free world squat uat No we don’t. Especially when we’re attracting record numbers of foreign visitors (3.8 million in July) andtourism bosses are promoting Britain as a great-value holiday spot thanks to the post-Brexit plunging pound. VisitBritain boss Sally Balcombe says: “We want Britain to be top of people’s list as a ‘must go now’ destination.” So we’d better make sure there are places where they can go – and spend their pennies in comfort. down to shake hands while wearing his pyjamas (George, I mean, not President Obama.) And he’s not letting that cute little sister steal the limelight either. He didn’t give a monkey’s for the balloon animals being made at a children’s party – unt until Charlotte got a boring teddy bebear one. Geor George then decided he DID want oone. Volcano shaped. With lava. I thinthink this feisty young prince has gogot the edgy genes of his great-ggrandpa Philip. And hhe’s going to be a little Krakatoa.Krak