Croc bottom Bear

THE most fun you can have watching The Island With Bear Grylls is to compare the contestants’ wild optimism going in with the grim reality.

It’s no different with this celebrity version, as witnessed by Dom Joly before he’d even reached land: “I don’t see what the big deal is about this whole experience.”

By episode three, Bear had this update: “After more than a week of starvation, the group are in a spiralling downward circle of bad morale, lack of food, lack of energy and lack of enthusiasm – a killer combination.”

So what the big deal is about this whole experience I’ve no idea.

The least fun you can have, however, came to pass on Sunday’s finale – the slaughter of a caiman crocodile.

It always happens suspiciously late into the series and the circumstances in which Made In Chelsea’s Ollie Locke stumbled across the predator didn’t quite stack up – it was hiding under a log on the shore, not in its natural habitat, the mangroves.

What is certain is “selfie queen” Karen Danczuk dragged it out by its tail, Towie’s Lydia Bright hooked its jaws with a noose and Ollie plunged a knife in its skull.

The Hotel’s Mark Jenkins can insist: “It didn’t suffer, it was instant,” all he likes, this was not what I’d call entertainment.

Wetting

With Bear, though, it’s all about what needs to be done “in a survival situation”. Well, if that’s the case and a bunch of D-list celebs have to butcher a crocodile, maybe C4 shouldn’t be making these shows.

As it transpired, the caiman wasn’t even the most terrifying beast on a programme featuring the survival expert this week.

That honour falls to Mel B on Discovery Channel’s Running Wild With Bear Grylls, an episode that hit the headlines recently for one very memorable moment.

Because the host may have been talking about reaching the North Wales coast when he said: “It’s a Mel B covert insertion,” but there was really only one answer to her question: “This is the beginning of the journey and I’ve nearly drowned, suffocated, been lost at sea. What else is there left to do?”

Well, Mel, drop your knickers, take Bear’s hand and start peeing on it.

He’s been stung by a jellyfish, showing off, and urine is said to ease the pain.

And his tank is empty as he’s only just gone himself. So it was that one of the Spice Girls found herself literally wetting herself on Bear Grylls’ hand.

Bear: “I must say that is a first. (You’d certainly hope so.) We will call it all in the name of survival.”

You usually do, Bear. You usually do. THE wise old British public voted out X Factor’s worst ever act Bratavio at the first opportunity. To recap, Saturday night, Ottavio: “We never thought we would end up in the X Factor live shows. We thought we’d end up in the chippy. Salt and vinegar?” Sunday night, sing-off, Simon Cowell: “The act I’m sending home, obviously, is Bratavio.” Can I have those chips wrapped, please, lads?