Half-baked Mel

Banjo’s naked pluck

SO far, on The Voice Kids, the coaches have put through 17 of the 21 acts and let down the other four in the gentlest of ways.

And yet, on the evidence of yesterday evening, ITV’s mollycoddling spin-off is only the second nicest Saturday night singing competition.

That unenviable title goes to the latest offering from BBC1’s ever-misfiring light entertainment department.

It’s Pitch Battle, one of those hideous talent shows the Beeb simply cannot do right, from Fame Academy to Let It Shine, that was spawned with the thought: “It’s been nine years since Last Choir Standing’s solitary series. Let’s repackage it.”

So they have, with rounds including “solo battle”, so called because there are no solo performances, and “showstopper”, so called because Auntie just cannot let go of the Great British Bake Off.

Which is why they’ve also hired one-half of the presenting duo as host – Mel Giedroyc and her crippling- ironyny routine – as if Mel & Sue weren’t n’t merely passengers on the flukiest break of their career.

Mel is busy doing everything in her power to make a vocal harmony karaoke contest sound thrilling, with nonsense phrases like “choral combat”, “clash of chorus” and “a no-holds-barred riff-off”, which in English means “sing to each other”.

There’s some loud American named Deke Sharon peacocking around claiming responsibility for much of the mess.

And judges, of course, starting with US R&B star Kelis, who at least has attitude and would be a good fit on X Factor.

Alongside her is Gareth Malone, there because it’s the law, whose main concern was hoping Kelis “doesn’t throw things at me”.

He’s all a bit too clever and technical for Saturday night BBC1, demanding stuff like “a greater commitment to the text” from the groups. They’re joined each week by a “superstarsuperstar g guest judge”. Except they were apparently busy, so Will Young was booked instead.

His main duties were grinning and hijacking the triumphant choir’s big moment by taking to the stage mid-song, joining in and indicating who’d won by walking over to them, like a judge at Crufts to a bichon frise pedigree champion.

The choirs themselves have terrible names like Vocally Bespoke, even worse choreography and include “the world’s second best all- women’s barbershop chorus group”.

They’re all having a much better time than the audience, of course, which is why Pitch Battle is a huge backwards step.

Just how much so became clear when a bunch of middle- aged women started bopping away awkwardly to Chesney Hawkes and Right Said Fred, and Mel asked: “Gareth, who smacked it out of the park for you?” Malone: “I enjoyed the Showaddywaddy.”

Saturday night television, 2017. HATS off, literally, to the eight celebs who stripped naked before 2,000 people on The Real Full Monty. Towie’s Elliott Wright was hoping not to “balls it up”, the group practised some moves in Asda, bringing a whole new meaning to “unexpected item in the bagging area”. And Ashley Banjo feared: “When I thought about the routine, it would just look tiny on the Palladium stage.” Try bigger thongs, then.