Ace skill but I’m so Allsopped out
Tytyty
OH God. She’s back. So my letter to Santa has been ignored – again.
That will teach me for being naughty not nice! All I wanted this year was a Kirstie Allsopp- free countdown to Christmas. Instead I got a whole week’s worth of smug – five craaaftings!
Kirstie’s Handmade Christmas (Channel 4, daily) featured a cast list of Kirstie clones who spend December holed up sewing and metal-working their Christmas stockings off to create decorations and trinkets with the personal touch.
Yes, they are clever and, no, I can’t hold a candle to their talents. But rather than making me feel all warm and fuzzy like a lovely glass of mulled wine, Kirstie’s Handmade Xmas left me feeling as inspired as a week-old mince pie.
I’ve never been a massive fan. She lost me when she announced her “life’s work was dedicated to getting disgusting washing machines out of the kitchen”.
But as a reviewer I have to try to stay unbiased so I forced myself to sit through a couple of days of advanced level crafting featuring weird stuff like a Japanese fire glazing technique called raku. I thought they’d just won X Factor.
The new series has more than a whiff of The Great British Bake Off about it, with groups of crafters set daily challenges that are judged by an expert.
Kirstie meanwhile wafts around a bit like Noel Fielding but with less interesting shirts. “Welcome to Christmas HQ. It’s the setting for the advent calendar competition,” she beamed.
“Forget shop bought, this is all about bespoke.”As if we didn’t know.
Eggnog
Emma, Harriet, Coral and Alice were given six hours to craft their masterpieces.
So far, so predictable. Later came the jaw-dropping moment when Kirstie and her Location, Location, Location chum Phil Spencer, introduced us to ham man, Guy. He promised to show us how to create the perfect glazed Christmas ham.
Turns out that all you need is a 7kg joint... and a cool £70 to buy it with. What the plucky star in Ferne McCann: First Time Mum (ITVBe Tuesday) and she showed a surprisingly vulnerable side. Discussions about the impact of natural births on lady parts weren’t glossed over. But the high spot was when curious Ferne visited psychic Chris Reilly. He got her due date and the sex of her baby wrong. I won’t be booking him! world do these people live in? You could clear the shelves in Iceland for that. To be fair, some of The Kirstie Craft Crew’s creations looked lovely. But how much time, and often money, do you need to indulge in this level of uber-crafting?
In the real world now most people are flat out tracking missing online orders and digging out last year’s party frock because the one you panic bought for the office do doesn’t fit. Not to mention working out if they’ve got enough cash to get all the kids everything they want on their wish lists. None of which, sadly, can be handmade.
Everyone in Kirstie’s world seems to have a personal project on the go so I thought I’d share mine.
It’s to steer well-clear of smug domestic goddesses with too much time on their hands and the knack of making us mere mortals feel inadequate. Kirstie, if you are reading this, I may well be defrosting my turkey on top of the washing machine, which is slap bang in the middle of my kitchen, whilst I hit the shop bought eggnog. Put that in your craft kiln and fire it. NOW Prince Harry and Meghan partner. In season two Princess have named the day she might Margaret (Vanessa Kirby) tries to want TUreet, to watch sum The quipit Crown nim (seasons aliquamet, one recover from her heartbreaking loss of and at, two quis on alit Netflix) to mug verosti up on ncincilit his Group Captain Peter Townsend by family’s doluptat, history. corem Season one veros offers digna a embarking on a relationship with fascinating dolore te insight mincidunt into the faccumsandio early reign photographer Anthony Armstrongand lobor strains acilit of our present conumsa Queen, Jones, her future husband. played praesenim by Claire alit Foy. ver Matt ndionsequi Smith as “We don’t know who you are,” he Prince aut landiamet Philip walks the erciduipit lorper fine line says. “That’s because we keep feeding between accummo wannabe dipsum playboy sum quis and acilisit loyal ipit ing ea commy nos you the fairy tale,” is her telling reply. augiat. Sum in ute