Secret to happy kids after divorce
DIVORCE and separation can have a massive impact on physical and emotional wellbeing – for you and your children.
But psychotherapist Noel Mcdermott says co-parenting can be hugely successful.
He said: “Family structures are more complex than they have ever been and co-parenting is often a choice. The evidence is this is a great way to parent.
“It may be that in some cases divorce is beneficial to the whole family – sorting out problems parents had and getting them focused on their kids.
“When you bring people back to the love for their children and what’s best for them, they really put everything to one side.”
Here are the expert’s top tips on how to cope. Avoid common mistakes Classic errors people make include offloading emotionally on children, using them as pawns and saying negative things about the other parent to your child.
Asking kids to take sides and make decisions about who they should be with also crop up. Put children first The research is clear – if you have children and you are going through a divorce, the most important people are your kids.
If parents can co-parent after they split up they get much better outcomes for their kids.
Their kids are going to be healthier – more successful at school, more socially successful and less prone to physical and mental illness. Maintaining that sense in the child they are loved and wanted is crucial for their long-term health and wellbeing. Reassure them Kids tend to blame themselves, particularly younger ones, because they are egocentric.
The thing you want to achieve is they feel secure. Allow the child to talk about their feelings, allow them time to process what happened. You can share your feelings but make sure what you say is appropriate for their age. Learn to communicate Never, ever stop talking. Maintain consistency and resolve problems in a way that is healthy for you two as adults.
Do not bicker in front of them. The emotional tone between parents when you are around them is really important.
Don’t make a huge drama every time you meet. You need clear communication strategies – more effective than when you were living together because your child may test the boundaries. You can formally agree boundaries. Write them down. Praise your co-parent Talk about your co-parent’s positives rather than negatives.
Practise this and you will get into a habit of building a positive emotional framework, allowing people’s strengths to come forward. Mutual respect is key. Avoid emotional texts Do not put anything emotional in text or email – it gets misinterpreted. You want to be reducing emotion so keep texts businesslike. When are we meeting? When are we talking about this?
For anything else, pick up the phone and talk. Do not send that text as it can get explosive. Seek professional help If one of the reasons why you are splitting up is because you have conflict around parenting style you need a mediator.
You must find problem-solving strategies and if that is why you are splitting up, you need to get help around that, fast.
Talk to someone about defusing techniques in highly emotional situations.
Safety first Where there are safeguarding issues, where there is domestic abuse, for instance, it is more important for the person to get to safety and take the kids.
The child must be protected. The damage of leaving the child with a dangerous parent is so much worse than splitting up.
Noel Mcdermott will be speaking at the UK’S first Divorce Show, October 19-20, at Hilton London Olympia. Register for a free ticket at divorceshowuk.com.