World’s priciest vanity project…
MIC drop moment of the week goes to Rebekah Staton’s no-nonsense teacher Katy in the brilliantly-observed sitcom Home on C4 on Wednesday.
Faced with an obnoxious teenager at school, who was nasty to an ex and then questioned Katy’s sex life, she put him in his place with a slamdunk of a monologue.
It started kindly enough: “You’re a good-looking lad but that beauty will melt like a candle.
“God’s an arsonist and all you’ll be left with is the content of your character.”
But it ended with talk of her having a threesome in a graveyard and getting intimate on two separate pedalos. “It’s all gravy,” she finished to loud cheers.
Now that’s a home run.
“MONEY can’t buy taste,” my mum always tuts whenever she disapproves of someone’s curtains, wedding venue or… well, anything really. But it turns out she’s right.
This old adage was rammed home as I watched Britain’s Most Expensive Home: Building For A Billionaire on Channel 4 on Wednesday.
There were nauseating levels of excess as self-made billionaire John Caudwell, who sold Phones 4u in 2006 for just under £1.5billion, transformed his Mayfair property into something resembling a gaudy palatial nightclub.
Call me boring, but who in their right mind – and a dress – wants to strut their stuff on a mirrored dance floor?
Only those happy to flash their knickers, that’s who. And no, the £28,000 of gold leaf that had been vomited all over the ceilings did not make the mansion look any more classy.
Having snapped up the central London pile for £87million, John has spent four years and £68million on the refurb. And cameras were there to capture every last jaw-dropping detail.
We saw a ballroom that’s second in size only to one at Buckingham Palace. There’s a conservatory, spa, gym, pool, games room, cinema and a nifty piece of kit that stacks eight cars underground, moving them around with the flick of a switch.
A team of 150 builders, costing £30,000 a day, spent most of their time panicking about either a) breaking something super expensive or b) being visited by the boss.
“My nature is to micro-manage everything,” said 67-year-old John, as various pale and exhausted project managers backed away with gritted teeth.
A stickler for detail, John noticed tiny imperfections. Staff fretted over the exotic fish budget for the indoor river. A “wall of lava” art installation proved harder to assemble than an Ikea Kallax shelving unit.
A lift shaft flooded, sending the team into crisis management, and five men carried in a 15ft tree trunk with silk cherry blossom to decorate the dining room.
Are M&S pot plants no good for anyone any more?
“I hate minimalism, I love maximalism,” said John.
Oh, really? We’d never have guessed. Interestingly, his 35-year-old partner Modesta just smiled and nodded.
Having grown up in a terrace house in Stoke-on-trent with no money, John said he always had “a burning desire to be rich, successful and charitable”.
And to his credit, he has achieved that, raising millions for his charity, Caudwell Children. The reason for this bonkers build, he says, is to attract A-listers to his annual charity ball.
But this garish grand design seems more of a billionaire’s vanity project to me.
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