Dragons get me totally invested
LADY Pamela Hicks and her daughter India locking horns over who had the prettiest royal bridesmaid dress was perhaps the poshest tussle ever seen on screen.
On My Years With The Queen, ITV on Thursday, the Queen’s second cousin, childhood friend, ex-lady-in-waiting and bridesmaid to “Lilibet” opened up about their years together.
India, who was bridesmaid for Charles and Diana, talked with her mum as they leafed through old photos and diaries and 91-year-old Lady Pamela recounted wonderful anecdotes.
From the Queen losing her pearls on her wedding day, to her dress having a cabin of its own on a foreign tour, and complaining over the family stealing her chocs, this was a royally affectionate insight.
FOR steady, unchanging forces on thrones in this country, we have the Royal Family and we have Dragons’ Den.
Despite a global pandemic, austerity, economic disaster and financial chaos, as sure as Reggae Reggae Sauce is Reggae Reggae Sauce, those Dragons continue to sit unmoved in a dungeon-like studio next to their stacks of cash.
I’m not sure whether it’s comforting or disconcerting that, 18 series in, absolutely nothing has changed.
Possibly even the Dragons themselves are feeling a bit over it. Deborah Meaden always looks like she’s being held against her will and is secretly plotting her escape.
To sum up: hopeful entrepreneurs trail in, pitch their outlandish business ideas, fail to grasp its net worth, then back away slowly after a hammering from the straighttalking “titans of commerce”. Sometimes they tell a sob story, sometimes they get angry. Stuttering and sweat is standard.
Every single time I watch, I’m genuinely flabbergasted that people don’t spend at least a few minutes analysing their sales figures before they go in.
Have they not seen the show? It’s been on the BBC since the dawn of time.
On Thursday Deborah, Peter Jones, Tej Lalvani, Touker Suleyman and Sara Davies made eager innovators nervous as they jotted gloomily in their notebooks.
All hail the tea trailblazers who kept grinning while admitting their business was already in debt.
“Even my little daughter could do better than this,” sighed Touker.
Sara sipped the tea and pulled a face as if she had been forced by Bear Grylls to drink her own urine. She prefers builders’ tea, she spat.
Never has a more British thing happened on telly than for an argument over tea to be someone’s downfall. There was a rare lighthearted moment when another hopeful suggested a Dragon try out her mindfulness painting. Deborah leapt from her chair… perhaps eyeing her exit.
She painted a likeness of Peter and everyone was mildly amused. This is about as joyful as Dragons’ Den gets.
But the moment ended when Peter inexplicably laid into her for rambling.
The only slam dunk pitch was from married Antonia and Jonny, who launched skincare range Nursem for hardworking hands, with a nod to NHS staff.
A focus on “compassion before cash” surprisingly had the Dragons elbowing each other out of the way to invest.
“It’s a business with heart!” exclaimed Deborah – who lost out to Tej, but seemed momentarily boosted by this glimmer of humanity in the Den.
Don’t worry though, the icy facades will be back next week. And the week after.
Because if something ain’t broke, it’s probably worth investing in.