‘Telling my daughter I’ve been living with HIV is the hardest thing I’ve ever done’
Sue Hunter, 62, from Farnborough, has lived with HIV for 15 years. She now campaigns for better sex education and early testing.
As a teenager, I remember the AIDS awareness leaflets coming through the door and my mum picking one up. “That’s nothing to do with us,” she said, throwing it away. I too assumed I’d never get HIV – I wasn’t gay. But 35 years later, I caught the virus through unprotected sex.
After my divorce in 2004, I re-entered the dating world. By then I was 47, with a six-yearold daughter. When I met someone and we moved in together, we never discussed getting tested. I was menopausal, so wasn’t worried about pregnancy, and I believed STDS were something younger people caught. The relationship didn’t last, but we stayed friends.
When he came to tell me, in 2006, that he had AIDS, I was horrified. “How dare you bring HIV to my door?” I accused him angrily. I went to get tested – I was fit, healthy and had no symptoms, so when the results came back positive, my world fell apart. I thought it was a death sentence, that I wouldn’t get to see my daughter grow up. Then, just a month later, my ex died of an Aids-related illness. I was in a terrible, dark place, I was put on medication to suppress the virus and had counselling for a year which helped me accept my positive status. Eventually, my anger towards my ex turned to forgiveness.
I turned my back on my job in fashion retail, as I couldn’t face telling people. I took a different part-time job and began volunteering at HIV charity the Terrence Higgins Trust. I now work for them full-time, mentoring other positive people – especially women – and I speak to healthcare professionals, schools and communities about HIV. There remains a stigma, which is heartbreaking for those affected.
Once you’re diagnosed you have to tell people like your doctor, dentist and family, which I did in stages. The hardest person to break the news to was my daughter, who I didn’t feel ready to tell until she was 14 and interested in boys. It felt like the right time.
Explaining that I’d been living with HIV for six years was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. “Are you going to die, Mum?” was her first question. She didn’t tell anyone for two years, which led to some mental health problems. It was awful, but we got through. She’s now 23 and we’re very close.
HIV is manageable. I take one pill a day and have full check-ups and blood tests twice a year. I have the annual flu jab and smear tests. Otherwise I live normally.
Telling new partners has been challenging. I had a good experience, where he said, “So what?” And one that made me feel worthless, when he responded with, “I value my own health too much to enter into a relationship with you.” I explained that now, within weeks of taking medication, the virus in your body becomes undetectable, meaning you can’t pass it on. But he wouldn’t listen.
There are many dating sites specifically for positive people; it was through one of those
I met my husband, who I married in 2019.
With HIV, the “H” stands for “human”. No one is exempt. If more people went for testing, it would be possible to eradicate new transmissions by 2030. It’s within our reach.