Hurts like the devil

Boris gets away with it again.. & I’ve got world’s worst toothache

I’VE had only one thing on my mind this week, given that I’ve been struggling for days with an infected molar so painful it’s only possible to stand up for a few minutes at a time.

There has been no pain like this in the history of pain, despite loads of people ringing me up and telling me about childbirth.

That has always looked easy to me, and nothing compared to this. Unless you’re birthing a rhino. Twin rhinos.

Four days for an emergency appointment, four days self-medicating with painkillers, eating only smashed up corned-beef and mashed potato, and drinking cheap Scotch. To be fair, this isn’t a million miles from my usual diet.

Breakfast

Anyways, I was going to go on about the state of NHS dentistry but the dentist that’s supposed to sort me out tonight had a copy of this newspaper in his waiting room last time I went so I don’t want to say anything out of place before he gets his instruments out.

My Sunday at the moment will consist of a breakfast of mush, watching Leeds get relegated, followed by a 5.50pm root canal. Idyllic.

Politics then. I guess the only thing knocking about this week is still Partygate. And even the bookies thinking Mr Johnson has got away with it.

There should be some Sue Gray action this week, but even the Tories I speak to don’t think her long-awaited report is going to land a blow.

More chance after the upcoming byelections. Especially after it was revealed Labour are going to be taking it easy

I KEEP waiting for some good ideas from Labour. Now’s the time, you know? With a cost of living crisis and the Government flailing about everywhere.

Windfall tax on energy firms – that’s a good one. Easily framed, easily sold, costed, makes sense.

Then they come up with some and giving the Lib Dems a shot at the “Porno Neil” by-election in Tiverton. (Labour source early call: “We’re not taking our foot off the gas.” Labour source after a couple of pints: “Yeah, we are taking our foot off the gas.”)

Elsewhere, Mr Starmer is doing a better job than Mr Johnson, say the numbers, but he is still failing to cut through properly.

Also, 26% of people think Mr Johnson is doing a good job running our country, and 55% think he’s doing a good job with what’s going on in the Ukraine.

Which made me think that, if Mr Johnson is better suited to the crisis over there, we should set up some sort of exchange programme, where we get Zelensky for a bit and our guy gets to run around with a Kalashnikov and a helmet.

Beyond that, the numbers were a mess. Mr Johnson is hugely unpopular but Mr Starmer is not making enough ground.

Whisky

You know what? It might be the mixture of whisky and codeine but I reckon all this morass is more helpful to the Tories.

The conspiracy theorists might have been right. If they can show Labour – and Mr Starmer in particular – are cut from the same cloth as the Tories, you get an overall feel of “you can’t trust politicians – they are all the same” and, in that case, won’t the electorate prefer to stick with what they’ve got, rather than risk change?

Better the devil you know, and all that. Even if the devil you know is a law-breaking, serial cheating, charlatan who has mishandled crisis after crisis and can’t even put a tie on properly.

Maybe that’s it. Makes Mr Starmer’s pint and a curry even more crucial. genuine nonsense and just go back to square one.

Mr Starmer wants to draw up targets for “underperforming” Labour councils then send in “hit squads” if they don’t hit them.

Madness. Councils are struggling because they’ve been underfunded for a decade. They need help, not more pressure. And have we learned nothing? Setting inflated goals that are impossible to meet is a useless exercise, not just in politics.

If there are “hit squads” waiting around doing nowt, why not abandon this target nonsense and – you know – go and help.

Can we have Zelensky while Ukraine gets

Johnson?