HE TAKES ALL THE WEEK’S NEWS & PULLS ITS PANTS DOWN

MONDAY

POP princess Rihanna wins a legal battle to prevent Topshop selling T- shirts with her face on. Good for her. Rihanna is an artist with every right to protect her image.

Imagine if a young fan saw that T- shirt. She might assume that Ri- Ri supports the idea of wearing clothes that cover your tits. Unthinkable.

TUESDAY

SNEAK photos show that Wayne and Coleen Rooney have treated young son Kai to a cool new garden toy – a Wendy house in the style of a retro burger joint.

Aw, bless. The little chap must love cheap meat with a vintage feel.

Like father like son.

WEDNESDAY

SECRET documents reveal that the British government was prepared to let Essex flood in order to protect London.

To be fair, Essex folk would be well prepared for a tsunami.

The girls have in- built buoyancy aids, their bright orange skin makes them easy to spot and the webbed fingers and toes mean they are all great swimmers.

THURSDAY

SIMON Cowell is to become a dad, it is claimed.

If he is nervous about attending the birth, he should come round to my gaff when X Factor is on – so he can get used to the sound of someone shouting abuse at him over a horrible wailing in the background.

FRIDAY

CRICKET legend Ian Botham is told that he cannot bring pork pies into Old Trafford cricket ground, for ‘ security reasons’. What utter bollocks! I’ve heard of a pipe bomb but never a pie bomb.

If al- Qaeda want to kill us with processed meat products, surely the quickest way is to just let us eat them!

Oh well. Looks like the only porkie pies we’ll enjoy during the Third Test will be when Broad pretends he didn’t get an edge.

SATURDAY

CROP circles are dying out, say experts, with just 15 of the things reported in July 2013, compared to 50 last July.

It was initially thought there were 16 of the giant circles this year.

But then one had to be discounted when it emerged it was just an imprint after Eamonn Holmes sat down for a picnic lunch.