BRITAIN’S ONLY NAKED TV GUIDE with JUSTIN DUNN
TODAY
Film4, 9pm, Die Hard BRUCE Willis stars in this epic action thriller which is essentially the Towering Inferno brought into the 80s. Entirely unnecessary lady teat at 23 mins ( above). Horror Channel, 9pm, American Psycho DREAM job for anyone in banking – wearing nice suits, living in a swanky Manhattan apartment, and chasing naked lady tail with an axe. Nudity starts at 44 mins. ITV3, 10.10pm, Steptoe and Son THE rag and bone men attend a stag do at a strip club. Guess what happens at 17 mins? Oh, ‘ Arold!
MONDAY
Horror Channel, 10.50pm, Satan’s Slave BRITISH “classic” – which of course it isn’t – from the 1970s, with muff at 31 mins and boobs ( right) throughout, though. Film4, 11.20pm, Lawless TOM Hardy stars in this modern day Western, but you have to wait until 1hr 6 mins before the lady clothes come off.
TUESDAY
Horror Channel, 9pm, The Reef TREASURE hunters go diving for lost gold, but not before they go diving under and over the covers at 9 and 44 mins. ITV4, 11pm, Born to Raise Hell STEVEN Seagal in another of his endless same- same- not- different movies, but with norks ( above) at 10 and 43 mins. Film4, 1.25am, Gloria ROMANTIC drama set in Chile – but forget about that. It’s filthy foreign stuff starting at 15 mins and following on throughout.
WEDNESDAY
Horror Channel, 9pm, Stir of Echoes HUGELY overrated actor Kevin “Nostrils” Bacon stars in this crap about a man hypnotised to solve a murder, but at least he gets lots of oats, starting at 14 mins. ITV4, 12.45am, The Big Lebowski BIZARRE but funny classic from the Coen brothers, with cheeky top bottoms first appearing at 45 mins. Channel 4, 1.35am, The Reader TEACHER Kate Winslet ( above) wastes no time in pulling her knickers off – at 9 mins – in a film that if roles were reversed about a tutor and a young pupil, would be banned.
THURSDAY
Horror Channel, 11pm, The House by the Cemetery AS if anyone would move into one. This lot do. And one of the lady brethren takes her top off at 37 mins ( right), before all hell literally lets loose. Sky comedy, 11.25pm, The 40- year- old Virgin HAPLESS chap tries to pop his cherry, with the boobs starting in the first 10 mins.
FRIDAY
Movie Mix, 9pm, The Juror DEMI Moore stars in this legal thriller, but unusually fails to take her kit off. Anne Heche does the honours ( above) at 1hr 19 mins. Movies4Men, 10.45pm, Three Way SUR PRISINGLY tense flick about a man who gets his own back on his wife’s killers, with breasticles at 14 and 57 mins. Horror Channel, 2.35am, Scary or Die MUDDLED but interwoven stories from downtrodden Los Angeles, including a sexy naked vampire lady. It’s on late, but worth it.