HE TAKES ALL THE WEEK’S NEWS & PULLS ITS PANTS DOWN

MONDAY

THE original topless stunna Sam Fox suffers a panic attack while appearing on Celebrity Big Brother.

“Don’t panic, Sam!” said the doctor.

“Just remember.... big breaths, nice big breaths.”

“Yes, but I’m also a singer, songwriter, actress, author and charity campaigner,” she replied. Probably.

TUESDAY

A YANK Bible basher who once said that floods are God’s way of punishing gay people has his home destroyed… by a flood! Tony Perkins’ gaff in Louisiana was almost completely submerged. The poor guy lost everything – including his Liza Minelli albums, his fabulous shoe collection and his signed copy of Julian Clary’s autobiography.

WEDNESDAY

SOME of America’s Olympics swimming team – including the superstar Ryan Lochte – cook up a bullshit story about being robbed at gunpoint in Rio.

Lochte is normally a freestyle specialist but it sounds like he wants a crack at the 200m utter lie.

THURSDAY

AWKWARD scenes on Good Morning Britain when a teenager opens his A- level results on live television – and fails to get what he needs. Never mind, son. Exam results aren’t everything. Even a couple of solid Ds can get you a fantastic career. Just ask the women who present Good Morning Britain… oh, and you could ask them about their A- level results, too!

FRIDAY

A MAN who was ordered to give police 24 hours notice before he has sex asks a court to overturn the ruling.

I don’t know why he’s making such a fuss. I could give the cops a full year’s notice before I get my end away, if they were interested.

The missus only says yes on my birthday.

SATURDAY

THE broadcaster ITV confirms it will cease programming for one hour next week to encourage lazy, sofa- bound Brits to go out for a jog. Then, once we’ve built up some fitness, they will encourage us to go for a sprint – by transmitting an episode of Loose Women.