HE TAKES ALL THE WEEK’S NEWS & PULLS ITS PANTS DOWN

LABOUR leader Jeremy Corbyn stages a bizarre press conference alongside 1980s novelty reggae act UB40.

Sounds like a perfect opportunity for a musical collaboration, with Jezza on lead vocals.

How about Red Red Whine, Trot In Mi Kitchen, or – after he is thumped at the next general election – Ch- Cheerio Cheerio Beardy. KEITH Vaz steps down as chairman of the Home Affairs Select Committee. But if those newspaper reports are true, he’s likely to be first in line for the Homo Affair Erect Committee. THE Pope invites 1,500 homeless people for a pizza at the Vatican to celebrate Mother Teresa’s sainthood.

Hundreds of priests were standing by to ask the vulnerable young men if they wanted a sizzling six, naughty nine or tempting 12- incher.

And then they were offered some pizza. CONTROVERSIAL Twitter twat Katie Hopkins reveals how she was rushed by migrants while visiting the so- called Jungle refugee camp in Calais. Apparently, they saw her open gob and mistook it for the entrance to the Channel tunnel. SCIENTISTS discover there are not one but FOUR different types of giraffe - including varieties called the Northern and Southern.

It’s easy to tell the difference: the Southern giraffe has a slightly longer neck, wider nostrils and a soft, shiny coat.

While the Northern giraffe is the one punching the Southern one for having a coat. MANCHESTER United FC hires circus performers to improve their players’ skills.

Well, the last guy with a bright red nose did pretty well, didn’t he?

Most circus skills are a mystery but quite a few footballers are used to the old clowning classic: sharing an old banger and riding it until it breaks down. Then hoping she doesn’t tell the Sunday papers.