HE TAKES ALL THE WEEK’S NEWS & PULLS ITS PANTS DOWN

CELEBRITY arse- owner Kim Kardashian is held up in Paris.

Makes a change from her being held open, I suppose.

Kim is reportedly furious that the daring raid was not caught on security cameras. The footage would have been dynamite material for the next series of her reality show. HOLLYWOOD actor Ben Stiller reveals he has been treated for prostate cancer. Most fellas don’t like being checked for this terrible disease as we don’t fancy a finger up the ringpiece. But it’s fine with a bit of lube. Or, for A- list stars like Stiller, they can simply wait until just after they’ve been interviewed by Piers Morgan. UNDERCOVER reporter Mazher Mahmood – aka the Fake Sheikh – faces jail after being found guilty of tampering with evidence.

Don’t worry, Maz. You’ll still be able to dress up in prison. You can put on a frock and a pair of falsies before giving the lifers a quick tug.

Now that’s what we call a “fake shake”. UKIP leadership favourite Steven Woolfe is rushed to hospital after an altercation with fellow MEP Mike Hookem. Also known as Mike Jab-’ em, Mike Uppercut-’ em and Mike Knock-’ em- out. FILM studio Warner Bros confirm it’s making yet another version of the classic heist movie Ocean’s Eleven – but this time with an all- female cast. And it will be called Ocean’s Eight. That’s three fewer crooks than the original, reportedly because two of them think the stockings make their face look fat and the getaway driver couldn’t parallel park outside the bank. A SMALL restaurant in Durham shocks the culinary world by earning three prized Michelin stars for its fancy grub.

To be fair, most eateries in the north- east already have three- star approval ratings from their patrons.

As in: “This Greggs sausage roll is f*** in’ lush!”