HE TAKES ALL THE WEEK’S NEWS & PULLS ITS PANTS DOWN

FOOTBALL’S world body FIFA bans England and Scotland players from wearing poppies when they meet on Remembrance Day next week.

Yeah, because FIFA are such sticklers for the rules, eh? Apart from the one that says “don’t get bribed into holding the world’s greatest sporting event in the middle of a stinking hot desert where women are beaten for showing their ankles”.

Luckily, most modern footballers pay tribute to our fallen heroes every time they play. Whenever they get the lightest tap, they go down like they’ve been shot. THE Queen hosts a lavish banquet at Buckingham Palace for the President of Colombia. Apparently el Presidente was keen to inspect the famous Royal guards on parade. Well, that’s Colombians for you. They love anything that is strong, good at starting fights and arranged into neat lines. TORY grandee Michael Heseltine lands in hot water for admitting he once strangled his mother’s dog.

That makes a nice change. When most Conservative politicians try to asphyxiate a pathetic creature, there’s a plastic bag and an orange involved.

At least the famously pro- European Heseltine has finally found some common ground with the Eurosceptic half of his party. They’d all like to strangle a German Shepherd, too. Or a German farmer, a German builder, a German factory worker... HOLLYWOOD hottie Mila Kunis says a studio executive once threatened her with never working in movies again unless she posed “half- naked for a men’s magazine”. What an utter disgrace. This “man” – if you can call him that – deserves to be named, shamed and punished. Only HALF naked? A SEX scene featuring actress Meghan Markle soars to the top of net porn sites after she is rumoured to be dating Prince Harry.

Sounds like great training for life as a Royal. Every time she enters a room, all the men stand to attention. BRITAIN celebrates Bonfire Night with a shriek, a bang and a hot dog. With hindsight, we should have locked him into an upstairs bedroom.