Deskstop dykes gave me a Jehovah’s Stiffness!
BEST OF PROFANISAURUS
All quiet on the western front 1. n. Title of a famous Oscar- winning film, depicting the horrors of trench life in the 1914- 1918 War, based on a novel originally published in Germany, which is a bit rich because they probably started it. 2. phr. Something to say when a chap fails to rise to the occasion. ‘ How’s that, Pele? Owt stirring yet?’ ‘ Sorry, Mrs Pele. It’s all quiet on the western front, I’m afraid. I’d best have another handful of them Bongo Bill’s banjo pills.’ And now for something completely different exclam jocular. Pythonesque catchphrase employed in an attempt to lighten the mood when flipping one’s wife/ girlfriend/ sister- inlaw/ next door neighbour over on to her front prior to the commission of an unnatural act. Beer Monkey n. A mythical simian creature which, during a drunken slumber, sneaks into your bed, ruffles your hair, steals your money and shits in your mouth. Bum gums n. medic. The anal sphincter. Bum slugs n. Soft, slimy feeshits that leave a mucilaginous trail on the nipsy, and it probably might be very much in order to pour a bit of salt on them. Chesterfield necklace meat scarf. n. A double chin. Also Chomping at the shit n. Turtling, having ringside seats, Mr Brown at the back door mole at the counter. or a Clown car n. A vagina that is on the point of imminent collapse due to the excessive number of men clumsily clambering in and out of it. Crispy pocket n. The genteel art of wanking into a hotel bathrobe pocket, leaving it so it looks untouched as a cheeky surprise for the next guest. C** t hair n. An imperial unit of measurement used in carpentry, equal to about three sixteenths of a whiff whaff. ‘ Just take a c** t’s hair off that door, Steve, and it’ll fit like a finger up an arsehole.” Desktop Dykes n. The sort of aestheticallypleasing lipstick lesbians found in huge quantities on a healthy young man’s hard disk, but exceedingly rarely, if ever, encountered in real life. Eye Magnets n. Lovely tits at which any red- blooded man can not resist the temptation to sneak a peek. Goblet of Fire n. A furry cup would be advised not to sip. from which one Jehovah’s Stiffness n. An unwelcome erection which arrives at the most inconvenient times and then refuses to leave. Let off a bit of cream plumbago. v. To relieve one’s Michael Heseltine’s Alsatian, a cock like sim. Said of a man’s best friend that has had the life all but strangled out of it. THIS year sees the 30th anniversary of the brilliant Roger’s Profanisaurus in Viz magazine.
To celebrate the milestone we’ve picked a few of our fave filthy definitions to celebrate.
The new issue of Viz is on sale now priced just £ 3.20. Rolf’s paintbrush euph. Something that’s not likely to be used for a long time. Screwnicorn n. A mythical and somewhat magical sex act whereby a lesbian puts a strap- on dildo on her forehead and goes at her partner like a bull at a gate. Shandylion n. A usually meek and quiet fellow who, upon imbibing any amount of alcohol, transmogrifies into a roaring king of the jungle. Also drambo, two- can van Damme, half- pint Harry, tinny mallet, two- pint Tyson or two- pot screamer. SlumberLumber n. Morning wood; A timber kickstand for one’s wrinkly, pink wheeled hairy motorcycle, a dawn horn. Smashturbate your plums. v. To wank so hard you damage Sun Hill ink pad, fingered more times than sim. Said of a lady of easy affections who has had more cocks in her than a pair of Moss Bross hire trousers. Tesco finish n. In pornographic cinematography, the sort of pop shot where the over- enthusiastic gentleman actor vigorously attempts to squeeze every last drop of spaff out of his gut stick. From the all- conquering town centref** king supermarket’s well- known advertising slogan; ‘ Because every little helps’. Toaster sex euph. Polite expression describing backdoor action. From the fact that, like a slice of bread, ‘ the longer you leave it in, the browner it gets’. Also known as the third way or bum craft. Tokyo optician sim. A light- hearted term of abuse for a slapper, ie. One who has seen her fair share of Japs’ eyes. Wank Xerox 1. n. One who knocks one out repeatedly throughout the day, only to find the quality diminishes as his toner runs out. 2. n. Masturbating over and over again to the same jazz mag. Groundhog wanking. Works microwave, filthier than a sim. Descriptive of an accommodating female who bangs like a belt- fed mortar.