HE TAKES ALL THE WEEK’S NEWS & PULLS ITS PANTS DOWN

MONDAY

HOLLYWOOD actress Meryl Streep upsets Donald Trump by slating him during an acceptance speech at the Golden Globes.

It’s a shame because the US President in waiting normally likes anything Golden. Allegedly.

Trump had already gone off Streep anyway, after hearing a rumour that she was Out Of Africa.

TUESDAY

THE makers of Oxo and Bisto says they will become more expensive as a result of Brexit. Is that because we’ll no longer be on the EU gravy train?

WEDNESDAY

A “LEAKED” – geddit? – intelligence dossier claims Donald Trump paid two prossies to piss on him during a business trip to Russia in 2014.

Oh well, at least there was one athletic event in Russia that year which did not involve state– sponsored doping: watersports.

THURSDAY

MADONNA Tweets a picture of a fanny with a Nike swoosh tattooed onto it. The sports brand is more famous for making footwear but there are similarities between a trainer and a minge: they come in different sizes but if you put the tongue in the right place to start with then you should be able to squeeze a foot in. Or at least the first 10 inches.

FRIDAY

THIS Morning host Eamonn Holmes and his missus Ruth discuss their sex life on live television – with the roly- poly Irishman claiming he only gets laid once a month.

To be fair, it must take at least three weeks for the ripples to subside.

SATURDAY

THE German government considers a demand for the state to pay for sex workers to service old codgers in care homes.

Lucky buggers. All we get over here is a free bus pass!

Yes, it’s a bit smelly but pensioners love a free ride, which you can take sitting down or standing up ( if they manage to find something to hang onto) – and in some parts of the country you can still get on at the back.

They also like bus rides.