Karen Matthews TOPLESS!

SPEAKER John Bercow says he’ll ban Donald Trump from addressing the House of Commons.

Insiders say he doesn’t want an irritating twat with tiny hands and a massive gob strutting about the chamber like he owns it.

Otherwise he might be out of a job. BARACK Obama is pictured learning to kite surf on Richard Branson’s private island. So it’s not just the new President who enjoys water sports, then. TEACHERS in three UK schools are wearing police- style body cameras to film unruly pupils, it emerges.

Civil rights groups are outraged, parents are furious and education specialists say it’s a bad idea.

On the plus side, the next series of Grange Hill is likely to come in way under budget. HUNDREDS of Argentine women strip naked in a protest over a ban on topless sunbathing.

At last! A woman’s protest march that we can truly get behind. Or in front, if they’ll let us.

Soon riot police steamed in, grasping truncheons and spraying water cannon. At least, they SAID it was truncheons and water cannon. DOZENS of high street companies and luxury brands are found to be unwittingly funding porn websites via automatic pop- up adverts.

Apparently, a British Gas banner was spotted on a kinky sex website. Other brands caught out on similar sites should adapt their slogans to something more suitable.

We’re looking at you, Jaguar (“for a different sort of pussy”), Hublot watches (“have another one off the wrist”). BOFFINS invent a so- called smart watch which can tell its wearer if he has been speaking for too long or in a dull tone.

Let us save you a few quid with some free advice. If you buy a smart watch, you’re probably the sort of person who spends an hour explaining how it works to everyone you meet. So you don’t need it to tell you you’re a boring f** ker.