You should have seen her HIPPO’S EARS …& downstairs was like a WHEELIE BIN FULL OF KELP!

IT’S THE VIZ PROFANISAURUS

angry cat n. A turd which leaves your nipsy hanging in tatters like an old wind sock or exploded joke cigar and it feels like you have just crapped out a Lego castle. barren trump n. A useless Exchange and Mart that has no sound or smell and thus provides no satisfaction or entertainment whatsoever.

binterrogation n. An onslaught of awkward, unwelcome questions from the bag for life commencing immediately upon entering the front door, four hours late and in a state of extreme refreshment.

cat’s cock hair n. The tiniest of margins, rhetorically- speaking. Also a bawhair, midge’s dick. “I see them Mackems have avoided relegation by a cat’s cock hair, Gary.”

doggers’ rust n. Corrosion found on vehicles belonging to suburban

park and ride enthusiasts, caused by a build- up of salty deposits around the key holes, door handles and window surrounds.

Dolly Parton’s tits euph. The holy grail of things you wil never get to see.” flopf** k n. A scuttle essayed whilst less than fully tumescent. Playing snooker with a piece of string, poking fog up a hill with a sharp stick, pushing marshmallows into a moneybox. grundleweeds n. The dispiriting amalgam of clag, dangleberries and underpant fluff that forms on the taint, grundle or biffin bridge.

hippo’s ears n. Petite nips displayed on disproportionately large milky swingers, somewhat reminiscent of the tiny external auditory structures seen on the popular eponymous river- dwelling, Moonin- faced ungulates.

relic hunter n. A young man who desires the companionship of much older ladies. Also known as a granny magnet, biddy fiddler, mothball diver or OAP- dophile. rusty nail 1. n. A cocktail of Drambuie and Scotch. 2. n. The inevitable result of inserting a digit into someone’s Fifties tea towel holder, for whatever reason.

Savile- skip n. Bizarre ‘ time jump’ phenomenon experienced when binge- watching re- runs of Top of

the Pops, whereby certain episodes have been omitted for reasons of taste, leading to sudden drastic changes in the charts. Also Glitter gap.

shit- and- run 1. n. Fleeing from the scene of a beer and curry- fuelled

pile- up in a public Rick Witter without first alerting the cleaning attendant on duty. 2. v. To drop in on a friend or relative on the pretence of seeing them, when in fact you just want to use their bog. shit- tinted spectacles n. Metaphorical misanthropical corrective device that bestows upon the wearer the ability to only see the worst in everyone and everything.

Toad of f** k all euph. A motorist who believes that his personalised numberplates are a sign of esteem and influence. truffle butter n. Milp, blip. The fanny batter of a woman who is frothing like bottled Bass. vandalised bus seat, fanny like a sim. A badly packed kebab that has taken a proper hammering over the years. wheelie bin full of kelp, like a sim. Yet another term describing the sopping parts of shame of an

enfrothulated lady. See also otter’s pocket, turfer’s knee, Whitney Houston’s last joint.