HE TAKES ALL THE WEEK’S NEWS & PULLS ITS PANTS DOWN

VIDEO footage is released of a police officer threatening to arrest a man and his two young daughters for picking Mother’s Day daffodils from a public park.

It’s not known who reported the family for this truly heinous crime – but we reckon it was the grass. NEW evidence shows that the crews of early US space missions snuck PORN mags on board their rockets. Blimey! It’s no wonder Neil’s arm was strong. Imagine if they did that on the International Space Station nowadays. Not so much “Major Tim Peake” as “Major, Tim’s peaked.” Bet he’d still put it on Twitter, though. IT’S an historic day for Britain as Prime Minister Theresa May signs the letter which signals Britain’s exit from the EU.

The bureaucrats in Brussels sent their reply by the quickest and surest method to reach London from the Continent – pinned to the back of a migrant in Calais. GOOD Morning Britain host Susanna Reid blames “too much Black Forest Gateau” after being dropped on the sofa while dancing with co- presenter Ben Shephard. We couldn’t see any Black Forest but – as is often the case with Ms Reid – there was a hint of dark bush. THE Italian parliament debates a motion to allow working women three days of paid “menstruation leave” per month.

What a bloody liberty. THE biggest sporting grudge match in the world – for people called “Giles” – takes place on the River Thames.

It used to be called ‘ The Boat Race’ but now we have to call it ‘ The Boat Races’ – because of the women’s event.

That’s right, ladies have cox too. And hairy chests and big swinging bollocks, by the looks of them.

If you didn’t catch the race but plan to watch it today, please look away now because we’re about to reveal the result: A bunch of posh c** ts won. SMILE: But Lily tribute act Price went too far