HE TAKES ALL THE WEEK’S NEWS & PULLS ITS PANTS DOWN

THE Duchess of Cambridge demands £ 1.3million in damages from a French magazine which published snaps of her sun- kissed breasticles.

The mag’s lawyers said it’s normal in France to see topless Royals. Although by “topless” they may have meant “without a head”.

Some people say that if Kate doesn’t want people ogling her nipples she should wear a bikini top. After having two kids, that advice is irrelevant as she could probably now tuck them inside her briefs. SHADOW Home Secretary Diane Abbott makes a tit of herself by claiming Labour would provide 10,000 new coppers at a cost of just £ 300,000. Friends later said it was a perfectly understandable mix- up – and that Diane was probably thinking of the three hundred grand it would cost to install a lovely copper- topped kitchen in her second home. TROUBLED Hollywood star Brad Pitt says he’s given up acting and now spends his day working with wood. Is there any difference? If I’d spent the last decade nailing Angelina Jolie and was now on my own, I’d be spending a lot of time working on my wood, too.

When it comes to wank- bank memories you gotta use ’ em, or lose ’ em. BOFFINS say masturbating at work may help to relieve stress and increase productivity.

Great advice, but it comes a bit late for my old man – he was sacked for saying the best way to deal with a work- place stiffy was a crafty tug.

He never worked as an undertaker again. ROYAL flunkeys announce that the Duke of Edinburgh is to retire from public duties later in the year. Insiders say he’s keen to spend less time with his family. A RUSSIAN journalist claims that Manchester is full of drunk men and fat women. The comment caused fury among British journalists, who are not used to foreigners coming here and stealing their jobs.