HE TAKES ALL THE WEEK’S NEWS & PULLS ITS PANTS DOWN

MONDAY

FORMER US President Bill Clinton announces plans to co- write a crime thriller novel.

He’s insisting the book is never released as a paperback because he can’t stand the thought of a woman taking Bill Clinton to bed and not feeling something hard in her hands.

Mr Clinton first got into creating fictional stories when explaining to his missus why he was working so late at the Oval office.

TUESDAY

PRIME Minister Theresa May says that if she’s elected she’ll let a bunch of yapping dogs chase a mangy ginger pest around the country. Some say it’s cruel – but how else can showbiz journalists get an interview with Ed Sheeran?

WEDNESDAY

TV presenter Noel Edmonds demands tens of millions of pounds in compensation from a major bank – which he blames for the collapse of his media firm.

Insiders say the bank is willing to pay damages but only as much as he can grab in 60 seconds while the cash is blown around a phone box.

THURSDAY

A CAR carrying Jeremy Corbyn runs over a BBC cameraman’s foot – and to make matters worse it was his left one. The poor guy now has a limp and useless Foot – a bit like Labour did in 1983.

FRIDAY

THIS Morning hosts Holly Willoughby and Philip Schofield meet a superfan who has their faces tattooed onto his buttocks.

He must be a long- standing fan of the ITV show because when he bent over, I also caught sight of Richard Madeley.

SATURDAY

GAYS and fans of shit music gather in Kiev for the Eurovision Song Contest.

The Ukrainian capital is most famous for inventing the chicken kiev – a cheesy mess which stinks the joint out and give you indigestion.

So, the perfect venue for Eurovision.