HE TAKES ALL THE WEEK’S NEWS & PULLS ITS PANTS DOWN

MONDAY

LOOSE Women host Nadia Sawalha says she’s losing her teeth due to nocturnal grinding.

Her dentist plans to remove the stumps under general anaesthetic but years of presenting the ITV show have left her immune to high doses of gas.

Thankfully her fellow panellists came up with a plan to plug Nad’s missing teeth – Janet Street- Porter will lend some of hers. Not the whole tooth, of course, just an inch or so off the bottom.

TUESDAY

TV presenter Kate Humble says she loves naturism and would love to front a NUDE show on the BBC. She wants to call it Nudewatch but we know a better title... Humble’s Pie. In the meantime, we’ll have to watch Springwatch to see Humble’s agein g tits and unruly fanny. Or, as they prefer to be called: Bill Oddie, Simon King and Chris Packham.

WEDNESDAY

THE Royal Family is reportedly horrified after Prince Harry’s former girlfriend, Camilla Thurlow, takes part in a “twerking” contest on trashy ITV show Love Island.

Thankfully, they soon breathed a sigh of relief when a flunky explained that “twerking” meant gyrating one’s buttocks in a sexual fashion.

They thought he’d said WORKING.

THURSDAY

RUSSIAN President Vladimir Putin hosts a live TV show in which ordinary folk can phone in to grill him about the way he’s running the country. It’s a bold move for a man who is widely considered to be dangerous, untrustworthy and fully signed up to the dark side. He could end up being the most despised TV call- in host after Matthew Wright.

FRIDAY

HOT model Chrissy Teigen reveals she won’t have doggy- style sex with singer hubby John Legend after realising that he can see her ANUS.

That’s funny because my missus is the exact opposite. She says she prefers it on all fours so that she “doesn’t have to look at the arsehole”... although sometimes I give her a little wave in the wardrobe mirror, just to piss her off.

SATURDAY

FAMOUS bint Kim Kardashian is accused of BLACKING UP to promote her new range of make- up.

Insiders say she’s horrified that anyone might think the KKWBeauty range is racist.

By way of apology she is apparently thinking of wearing a pillow case over her head and re- branding the range as “Kim Kardashian Kosmetics”.