BBS ON THE BOX

BRITAIN’S ONLY NAKED TV GUIDE with SIMON DEAN

TODAY

ITV4, 9pm, Naked Gun – Right at the start, in the opening credits, there’s a nice flash of nudity courtesy of Brinkie Steves when the patrol car goes through a ladies’ changing room. Sony Movie Channel, 9pm, Money Train – 54: 35 Some nice but ultra- quick shots of J- Lo’s nipple ( above) as she rides Wesley Snipes at 54 minutes. All aboard! Talking Pictures TV, 12midnight, Handgun – This is a new channel on me. I’m told Karen Young gets her boobs out but I have no timings, alas.

MONDAY

True Entertainment, 1am, Convoy – Cassie Yates sits up in bed, and you can catch a brief hint of left jug at the 20 mins mark. Sky Premiere, 11.30pm,

American Honey – Riley Keough answers the door with her bare boob hanging out at 34 minutes. Sky Action, 9pm, End

Of Days – Linda Pine ( right) enjoys a hot threeway with Lynn Marie Sager and the Devil. Yes, Satan himself. Catch the action at around 40 minutes in.

TUESDAY

True Entertainment, 1am, Hollywood Wives: The

Next Generation – I’m reliably informed that Melissa Gilbert gets her teats out but no timings, I’m afraid. Horror Channel, 10.45pm, The Devil’s Rejects – Absolutely crammed with nudity courtesy of Ginger Lynn Allen and others. Horror Channel, 2.35am, The Wicker Tree – Tune in. Watch gorgeous Honeysuckle Weeks ( above) of Foyle’s War naked. Absolutely bloody naked!

WEDNESDAY

Horror Channel, 10.45pm, Phantasm – Kathy Lester, playing ‘ Lady in Lavender’ gets her full teats out at 20 minutes. No she doesn’t. A body double does. Film4, 1.40am, Alleluia – Édith Le Merdy gives us a close- up look at her breasts as she goes down on a guy while another woman spies on them at 36 minutes! Sony Movie Channel, 1.05am, Shakespeare In

Love – Dear, dear Gwynnie Paltrow exposes her right ( above), then her left, in a dramatic turn . . . as a naked lady in a clinch with Joseph Fiennes at 47 minutes!

THURSDAY

Film4, 1.05am, The

Yards – Charlize Theron shows some front – she takes off her shirt ( right) and, clad only in panties, comforts her fella with some sweet lovin’ at 37 minutes. Sony Movie Channel, 10.55pm, Puncture

Wounds – Lolly Ink rocks out in a thong at 14 mi nutes and throws a little bit of boob in for good measure. Busters! Movies4Men, 9pm,

Counter Measures – Lada Boder shows she has nice breasts and a cute butt in what would be a really good sex scene at 44 minutes if somebody turned on the lights!

FRIDAY

BBC1, 11.05pm, Old School – Cute blonde Lisa Donatz shows her glazed donuts alongside topless brunette Corine Kingsbury in a KY jelly wrestling match at just past one hour. Worth the entrance fee alone. E4, 9pm, This Is 40 – Leslie Mann flops her teat out at one hour 19 to try and tempt her man, played by Paul, Rudd. Horror Channel, 9pm, The Ninth Gate – Emmanuelle Seigner grinds on top of Jonnny Depp like a woman possessed at two hours four minutes. That does, however, involve sitting through more than two hours of an impenetrable movie by celebrity nonce Roman Polanski and starring Johnny Depp.