HE TAKES ALL THE WEEK’S NEWS & PULLS ITS PANTS DOWN

BANK Holiday Monday is a rare scorcher – Holbeach on the east coast is the hottest place at 28.2 degrees Celsius, with locals saying it felt more like the Mediterranean.

Which makes a change as most of Lincolnshire normally feels more like downtown Bucharest these days. HURRICANE Harvey dumps an astonishing 11 trillion gallons of water on southern America, submerging large parts of Texas. To put that figure in context, 11 trillion gallons could fill FIFTY of those oversized cups the fat Yanks like to spend all day chugging soda from. US President Donald Trump visited the area and was visibly shocked to learn that Houston now lies under water. Apparently he’s tried lying under water before but the words just sound all bubbly. THERESA May feasts on salted sea cucumber entrails on the first day of her visit to Japan.

We searched for a funny picture to illustrate this story but it turns out that on EVERY photograph ever taken of our beloved Prime Minister, she appears to have just eaten salted sea cucumber entrails.

Mrs May later causes a stir by admitting she’s never sung karaoke. What?! She’s never belted out I Will Survive?! Actually, that might be for the best. A COUNTY cricket match at the Oval is halted when an arrow is fired at the players. Well, that’s one way to make the game more interesting. It’ll probably be part of the T20 by next season. A MEDICAL supply company launches a trial using remote- controlled drones to deliver Viagra to blokes who need it urgently.

Suggested advertising slogan: “If you want to get your little chopper up, we’ll get our little chopper up.” FACEBOOK founder Mark Zuckerberg celebrates the birth of his second daughter, saying children should go outside and play more. Oh that’s f** king rich. The only bloke who has done more to make children stay indoors is Josef Fritzl. BATTLE OF THE BOOBS: Bare- breasted beauties get stuck in