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SPARE a thought for confused WIDDLE singer JENNIE PROBERT who almost wet herself at the thought of a coming war in the Far East.
Convinced all- out nuclear war was approaching, she found plans about how to build a fallout shelter and set about it with a pickaxe.
Unfortunately, she lives in a top floor flat in Biddulph, and the neighbours downstairs were less than impressed at her efforts to “protect and survive”. OUTRAGE has greeted the release THE of LEMON STAINS new single, TINKLE ALLEY – because it’s all about lead singer DELLA SCRANCE doing wee-wee behind a church hall in her native Middlewich. The British Association of Clerical Architecture has issued a press release which condemns Della’s “glorification of public urination on sacred and associated ground”. Stains’ management have been quick to apologise, urging the bands’ teen fans “please don’t tinkle behind the church hall”. That’s them told! WHAT next for DANNY SCOOP now that he’s been edged out of SPLAYED BEHIND thanks to “artistic differences” with bandmate FREDDIE TWINKK?
My sources say that Dan’s been approached to front a new TV show, provisionally called GLORIA’S HOLE, produced by former BOING! TV Head of Imagineering JULIEN CAMPPE.
Speaking at the GOOLE FESTIVAL OF TV, Julien told me: “Danny’s just the right fit – oo- er! – for the show. Don’t ask me what it’s about… I’m too drunk to remember.” My CAN the rumours really be true? spies tell me PEPPER LANGTREE has finally turned her back on her bandmates in CORNHOLE. Everyone thought the group would split in 2012 after that business with Pepper and JINGO!!!! singer HELEN BROMPTON’S labrador puppy. But after the extraction her bandmates forgave her. They’re not happy she’s going solo, so I think we can expect fireworks! JUST when the cast of PASS THE BUTTER! were recovering from the revelations about JETHRO LUMLEY they’ve been hit by a new scandal. BING BONG, who runs the bakery that provides the bread for all that butter has got a wheat intolerance! Despite churning out more than 400 loaves a week, the reality TV star hasn’t touched so much as a bap for 20 years!