HE TAKES ALL THE WEEK’S NEWS & PULLS ITS PANTS DOWN

MONDAY

THE Duke and Duchess of Cambridge reveal they are expecting their third child, which Royal- watchers believe was conceived on a visit to Poland.

It sounds like Kate enjoyed her time with the Poles. And on the pole.

Wags dubbed it the “Warsaw Act”. But in a few months time Her Royal Highness will be shouting “my Crack.... ow!”

TUESDAY

LABOUR leader Jeremy Corbyn reveals that he is becoming a vegan. He’s always been passionate about vegetables and nuts. That’s why he employs so many in the Shadow Cabinet.

WEDNESDAY

HURRICANE Irma rages through the Caribbean with colossal force.

Ironically, one of the first places to get very wet then thoroughly f** ked was the British Virgin Islands.

Famous resident Sir Richard Branson was forced to take refuge in his wine cellar, which was cramped, smelly and full of people getting pissed. Now he knows how we feel on his 2109 London Euston to Glasgow “service”.

THURSDAY

POP star George Michael releases a new single despite dying last Christmas. Let’s hope it does well, as his last smash hit was 15 years ago... unless you count that famous collaboration between his Range Rover and the Hampstead branch of Snappy Snaps in 2010.

FRIDAY

MORE pop news, this time from the land of the living, as the former 1D singer Zayn Malik reveals a freshly- shaven head after using too much bleach on his locks.

That must be his first number one since going solo.

SATURDAY

TODDLERS in trendy east London are treated to a new type of storytelling session – all the books are read by drag queens. That brings a new meaning to the notion of fairy stories. You can imagine how each session starts. “Hello children… are you all sitting comfortably? Well, good for you. Try doing it with your meat and two veg stuffed into a pair of size 8 lacy knickers…”