IN THE KNOW WITH

ARE you enjoying STRICTLY COME DANCING on BBC1 at the moment? Who isn’t?

But wouldn’t you be enjoying it even more if BARNES WALLIS frontman PINGY LONG had been in the line- up, as originally planned?

I’m told that Pingy was to have joined the other contestants but at the eleventh hour bosses decided he may be a somewhat controversial choice after that business with the otter at Lowestoft. PRETTY LULU DEVIGNE might be heralded as the Next Big Thing in the world of anorak modelling but when it comes to needlework, she’s just plain SHIT. Lulu had been roped in to take part in the second series of BOING! TV’s GREAT BRITISH STITCHING BASH along with presenter RAB HART and singer FENELLA HIMEN. But 30 seconds into rehearsals, Lulu was rushed to hospital after getting a bodkin stuck in her bottom. I’m told a MEGA lawsuit is in the pipeline. HELSBY GOOSE FETE won’t be the same after GUMP FISHER revealed he’s resigning from the organising committee to, er, “concentrate on other projects”.

Reality star Gump became a household name thanks to the show FRODSHAM MARSH, along with bubbly missus TASHA and frisky Collie BOUNCE.

But several clashes with other fete committee members over Gump’s alleged diva demands have led to tensions which Gump says “do his f** king head in”. Oooh, precious! SEX kitten PRU NOCENT is joining forces with pop pertlets LITTLE SECRET to remake French pervert SERGE PEDERASTE’s 1972 Number One hit BATH TIME. The controversial single, championed on RADIO ONE by JIMMY SAVILE, has been banned since 1989 after a campaign over the repeated chorus ‘Where’s the soap’. But Pru told me the lyric was ‘of its time’ and that the song is ‘ripe for revival’. ‘Ripe’s’ the word! WHO will be the new face of BROWN NUGGETS following the death of much- loved advert star TELE HATTERSLEY? Well, hold on to your hats because I’m told the makers are going in a VERY different direction. That’s right, I’m told that SPLAY LIP frontstrumpet JENNY HOOP is filming an advert loosely based on her 2011 sex tape with rapper GASH TEAR. Ouch!