HE TAKES ALL THE WEEK’S NEWS & PULLS ITS PANTS DOWN

TELLY beauty Cheryl Cole confesses that she HATED being pregnant.

It must have been tough living with a pair of over- inflated tits and an irritable c** t.

Although working alongside Louis Walsh, Sharon Osbourne and Simon Cowell on The X Factor must have been good practice. RACING driver Jenson Button reveals how the Virgin tycoon Sir Richard Branson subjected his then girlfriend Jessica Michibata to some rather uncomfortable flirting a few years ago. Branson was too drunk to remember what he said. But we can have a good guess. “Hey baby, making love to me is like one of my trains – hot, dirty and I promise to come much later than you were expecting.” FIREMAN Sam should be re- named ‘ Firefighter Sam’ to combat sexism, according to the London Fire Brigade chief.

Surely we can’t re- name ALL children’s cartoon characters in the name of political correctness!

Coming soon: Postal Delivery Operative Pat, Comrade Benn, and Dick/ Fanny Dastardly. SHOCKING scenes at Goodison Park as an Everton fan appears to attack a rival player while holding a child. Technically speaking, the tot could now be classed as Britain’s youngest hooligan – and sentenced to a football BAIRN- ing order. On a positive note, at least the poor kid won’t have to go to any more Everton matches. A CONMAN who posed as a fictional police officer to steal cash and valuables is jailed for five years.

Aaron Cowan took the name of Greg Lestrade – a cop in the BBC drama Sherlock – and used a fake police badge to con shopkeepe rs in Kent.

Legal experts say he’d have got a shorter sentence if he hadn’t been represented in court by his mate Barry, calling himself Kavanagh QC. BRITAIN is battered by Storm Brian. The idea of giving storms names is supposed to make us pay attention to their approach. But Brian? Hardly fills most people with dread. Get ready for Hurricane Geoff, Tornado Barry and Tropical Storm Norman.