HE TAKES ALL THE WEEK’S NEWS & PULLS ITS PANTS DOWN

MONDAY

THE chief of the Metropolitan Police, Cressida Dick, orders detectives to stop going on about finding porn on a computer belonging to Tory MP Damian Green.

“Dick is purple with anger and ready to explode over this,” said one insider.

We’re not sure if he was talking about Cressida Dick… or Damian’s.

TUESDAY

THE millionaire pop singer Lily Allen whines that she’ll be homeless this Christmas because some selfish foreigners are refusing to vacate her luxury London gaff in time. Oh, poor Lily. Others may walk on by, but we would NEVER abandon you in your hour of need. So, just for you, here are some words that rhyme with “soup kitchen”: bitchin’, itchin’ and, erm, the Hertfordshire town of Hitchen. Can’t wait to hear the new single!

WEDNESDAY

FAKE Calvin Klein pants worth £ 1.5m are seized at Southampton Docks.

Customs officials say they were first alerted to the haul when they spotted a suspicious package.

Next week: a crackdown on counterfeit thongs.

THURSDAY

THE editor of weekly rag the Cambridge News is left red- faced after accidentally printing an entire run of papers with the front- page banner headline missing. ** Subs – please insert a punchline here. Maximum two sentences. Please make me look funny and I’ll get the beers in at the Christmas party, thanks**

FRIDAY

NATIONAL treasure Dame Judi Dench reveals that she plants a tree every time one of her luvvie pals dies.

At least she won’t need to bother when her James Bond co- star Daniel Craig bites the dust. You can’t get any more wooden than him in A Quantum Of Solace.

SATURDAY

A QUARTER of nurses are now fat, according to new statistics.

That’s fine by me, as long as it’s the right quarter.

Boobs and arse, please, matron.