HE TAKES ALL THE WEEK’S NEWS & PULLS ITS PANTS DOWN

FIRE- fighters investigate the cause of a blaze which tore through a multistorey car park in Liverpool, destroying 1,300 vehicles.

They also try to work out what caused every car to magically have several laptops and a brand new set of golf clubs in the boot – by the time the insurance papers were lodged. CHANNEL 5 bosses mark the centenary of British women getting the vote by launching a new series of Celebrity Big Brother with only female housemates.,,

I suppose if you squint – a bit – you can count Ann Widdecombe as a woman. THIRTEEN monkeys are killed in a fire at Woburn safari park.

It’s so tragic to think they are lost forever.

A bit like my windscreen wipers, you little bastards. FORMER X Factor winner Sam Bailey reveals how she was rushed to hospital after knocking herself out with a loft ladder.

To be fair, Simon Cowell did promise her at least one smash hit on her way to the top. THERE’S outrage as the leader of Windsor Council demands that police clear his town of beggars before the wedding of Prince Harry and Meghan.

Well that doesn’t make sense.

If you’re not letting lazy scroungers in, how the f** k will Harry’s Uncle Andrew attend?

Said a Royal spokesman… RESEARCH into Hull- based hookers reveals that one woman was on the game because she needed cash to fix her faulty washing machine. Apparently the seal had bust and it was leaking everywhere. And the washing machine was knackered, too.