HE TAKES ALL THE WEEK’S NEWS & PULLS ITS PANTS DOWN

MONDAY

WOMEN celebrate the centenary of a hugely important moment for democracy: getting the vote.

Hard to believe it’s exactly 100 years since they ejected Colonel Ebeneezer Butterfield off of Lust Island, a weekly periodical about 12 members of the landed gentry seeking carnal relations with a tribe of exotic savages in one of our colonial outposts.

TUESDAY

BOFFINS discover that the first humans to live in Great Britain had dark skin. The controversial claim was made following DNA tests on a primitive caveman from Somerset. Jeremy then made him take a lie detector test which proved that, yes, he really did cheat on his girlfriend with her own mother.

WEDNESDAY

A GAMBLING event in London is slammed for employing glamorous girls to wander around in skimpy undies.

I’ll have one each way and one on the nose please.

Then afterwards I might place some bets.

THURSDAY

TWO members of an Islamic State terror cell – dubbed The Beatles because of their British accents – are captured by Kurdish forces. They were caught when a patrol overheard them arguing about who has to be Ringo.

FRIDAY

THE Winter Olympics kicks off in South Korea amid huge fears over weather and security.

Meteorologists claimed it could be the coldest Games yet with temperatures plunging as low as - 20 degrees, while geo- political experts fretted that North Korean loony Kim Jong- un might launch a nuclear attack.

Or maybe we’ll get lucky and they’ll both happen – balancing each other out to a nice balmy 5 degrees while simultaneously wiping out people who like skiing.

SATURDAY

CAMBRIDGE University says it has a problem with sexual harassment. For the last time, we’re very sorry. We now realise that pretty student actually asked us to grab our pole and come for a ride in her PUNT.