HE TAKES ALL THE WEEK’S NEWS & PULLS ITS PANTS DOWN
THE Queen’s plan to create a hydro- electric power station at Balmoral is thwarted by concerns over otters living nearby.
BREAKING NEWS: Apparently the scheme can now go ahead as all the otters have sadly been killed in a car crash in Paris. MENOPAUSAL pop princesses the Spice “Girls” are rumoured to be playing at Prince Harry’s wedding to Meghan Markle. The five are known fondly to us as Posh, Sporty, Baby, Scary and Ginger. Or, as the Royals call them: Not Posh, Definitely Not Posh, Still Not Posh, Don’t Tell Princess Michael and Oh Gawd Who Invited Fergie? WHOLESOME girl- scouting organisation the Brownies introduces a daring new badge – piloting aircraft. Good for them! It’s about time they caught up with the Cubs, who have been learning how to handle a joystick since the 1970s. Usually Akela’s. BRITAIN shivers as two cold fronts – the Beast from the East and Storm Emma – combine to unleash the frostiest blast since the time Theresa May tried to smile.
Public toilets in Essex were closed because of the heavy snow. You’d think they would be used to having white powder all over them. A SWIMMER aged 99 sets a new World Record for the 50m freestyle, breaking the previous time by 35 seconds. The record was later voided when he tested positive for Sanatogen and traces of Werther’s Originals. To be fair, it was only a record for his age category. The only time most elderly folk travel that far in water is when they are being scattered at sea.