HE TAKES ALL THE WEEK’S NEWS & PULLS ITS PANTS DOWN

MONDAY

EX- LFC defender Jamie Carragher is suspended from Sky Sports after being filmed spitting at a Manchester United fan.

Carra admitted the moment of madness, which was very honest of him.

To be fair he wasn’t expecting to get the shot on target – he never had before.

TUESDAY

A TEENAGER who stole mopeds after squirting acid in the owners’ faces is jailed for 10 years.

So… a faceful of something unpleasant and a fast, urgent ride.

Not just his criminal tactics but also his love life for the next decade.

WEDNESDAY

BRITAIN mourns the loss of its third genius in as many days, as the ex- Bullseye host Jim Bowen joins comedian Ken Dodd and Professor Stephen Hawking at the pearly gates.

So sad. It only feels like a couple of weeks ago they all met up for a pizza in Salisbury.

THURSDAY

GLAMOUR girl Katie Price tarnishes her reputation as an animal lover by turning up at Cheltenham Races wearing raccoon fur. You’d think she’d feel more kinship with a beautiful creature sporting two black eyes. Particularly after she goes jogging without a bra. Katie has never worn raccoon in public before – but she did give a flash of beaver in that video with Dane Bowers.

FRIDAY

NEW government leaks suggest the Russians poisoned Yulia Skripal and her father Sergei by planting the deadly chemical Novichok in her luggage as she flew from Moscow to London.

As if that’s not bad enough, they didn’t even put it in a 25ml container inside a clear plastic bag. Unforgivable.

SATURDAY

A MUM is ordered to pay compensation after her boisterous son blinded another boy while playing crazy golf. The poor kid has really been through the mill. But then he missed the clown’s mouth and dropped into the water. The exact amount of compensation is yet to be set but we reckon it should be a FORE- figure sum.