After giving my walnut whip a melon refresher I dropped the f**k reins and offered her a tour down under

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Here is just a small selection of our favourites... and I thought they smelled bad on the outside exclam. Quote from The Empire Strikes Back that can be uttered when having a cheeky sniff of your fish fingers. aswad n. A black beauty. From the fact that a chap might, while giving her one doggie- style, be minded to sing one of the eponymous reggae- lite group’s hits to himself, viz. “Don’t Turn Around”. beerlimic n. A one- pint wonder. He who drinks rubber beer. blackfish n. 1. n. A nickname given to killer whales. 2. n. A Guinness shite or burnt tyre. See also Irish alarm clock. chocolate meerkat n. A sizeable stool which protrudes from the water in the lavatory pan as if scanning the area for predators. clitbait n. Trite photographs and stories on Mail Online that are designed to attract lunching office workers. crankshaft n. The bit of a man that must be vigorously tugged in order to get him going. dark matter 1. n. A mysterious substance that purportedly constitutes up to 80% of the mass of the universe. 2. n. Mysterious bum rubbish that emerges from your arse the morning after a heavy night on the black stuff. dropped lollipop, head like a sim. The noggin of a balding man who refuses to shave the remaining hair off his head, resulting in a scalp with similar amounts of hair on it to sticky confectionary retrieved from the living room carpet. ‘ I can’t believe you paid £ 180 for that haircut, Wills. You’ve got a head like a dropped lollipop.’ eh?- lister n. A celebrity you’ve never heard of. Usually a Hollyoaks actor or reality star. everlasting, the 1. n. A song from the Manic Street Preachers’ 1998 album This Is My Truth Tell Me Yours. 2. n. A shite that is still stinking out the house a full five hours after it was sent to the beach. fart round corners, can phr. Said of someone of such low talent that their only claim to fame is the ability to make your eyes water while not in your direct line of sight. fluffy nut crunch n. Breakfast cereal made from the debris shaken out of an upturned armchair. force log- off 1 n. Disconnecting a user from a computer system and terminating the session by over- riding the manual process. 2 n. Finishing off a slow Tom tit in a hurry. f** k reins n. A woman’s barnet fashioned into lengthy pigtails that a gentleman friend can grasp them firmly when benning her. gearbox n. The female bell housing. hand party n. An eyesight wrecking festival of mono- manual self- pleasure enjoyed by a man whose bag for life is away for the weekend. Hawaiian shorts n. An item of clothing that has been involuntarily befouled after a nasty surprise, such as a false alarm about an imminent missile strike. melon refresher 1. n. An invigorating flavour of smoothie. 2. n. A titwank performed on a tired gentleman after a stressful day at work. Milfy way n. Any queue mummies. of yummy nun’s cucumber, wetter than a sim. See also wetter than an otter’s neck, wetter than a turfer’s knee, wetter than Whitney Houston’s last joint, wetter than a bad plumber’s mop, wetter than Lee Evans’ suit. papier splâché n. Fr. Hardened tissues that litter the bedroom floors of teenage boys. Popshotadoms, wankerchiefs, porn crackers, wanker’s crisps. Possil barbeque n. Burnt- out motor vehicle, usually found on gap sites in and around the eponymous leafy north Glasgow surburb. reverse service charge 1. n. How one must account for VAT on services bought from businesses based outside the UK. 2. n. An additional fee requested by a good time girl for a spot of back door work. See also council tax. shitting Twiglets n. Especially furious at someone else’s incompetence or treachery. snifter 1. n. A brief interlude of working from home snatched between conference calls taken from one’s sofa. 2. n. Any other convenient opportunity to swiftly bash one out. ‘ Sun’s over the yard arm, dear. Time for a quick snifter’. stewing in your own juice n. Dropping a gut in the car on a cold winter’s day, with no possibility of ventilation. An automotive Dutch oven. tank slapper 1. n. When the front wheel of a motorbike starts violently moving from side to side, causing the handlebars to hit the petrol tank. 2. n. Good- naturedly smacking the arse of a stout lady while trying to swing your leg over her pillion. tour down under 1 n. Elite international Australian cycling race that is completed over several days. 2 n. Tentative suggestion of a bit of head. ‘ Do you want to go for a tour down under, love?’ twilight zone n. Facility for coffin dodgers to live out their final years. A nursing home, death nest. Uri n. A spontaneous erection. From the famous telekinetic paranormalist’s catchphrase, viz. “Look, it’s bending and I’m not even touching it.” walnut whip, cock like a sim. A tragic condition that effects men in the chillier months of the year. wancave n. A “man cave” that is equipped with superfast broadband internet access and a door that can be locked from the inside. werent for n. A noun describing the skin between a woman’s fanny and her arse, viz. The gooch, carse, taint, tinter, happy valley, tissent, crunk or Luton- to- Dunstable busway. So- called because “if it weren’t for that, her guts would fall out”. wide awank adj. Roused from one’s slumber and ready to knock oneself about a bit. witch switch n. The final glass of house red that turns a hitherto pleasant evening out with your other half into a fight in the taxi queue. wombat hole n. An elegant way to describe a woman’s mimsy.