GARETH SOUTHGATE LOOKALIKE BEDS 92 ENGLAND FANS
RUSSIAN PLUMBER MISTAKEN FOR HERO MANAGER
THEY may be coming home after losing to Croatia in last week’s heartbreaking semi- final, but England’s footballers can be sure of a rapturous reception when they get back to Blighty. And few will be cheered louder than manager Gareth Southgate who confidently steered his team to England’s first semi- final since 1990 – using just a humble waistcoat to inspire his brave boys.
However, one man who will be toasting Southgate more than most is his Russian doppelganger Sergei Petrov.
Because thanks to his amazing facial similarity to the England gaffer, Sergei’s COCK has not had a rest for the last TWO WEEKS!
The 29- year- old, who runs a small farm near Vidnoye, just outside Moscow, told Sunday Sport: “The English ladies visiting our magnificent Motherland believed that I was the England manager Mr Gareth Southgate.
“I never claimed to be him but, then again, if a lady assumed I was him I did not put them right.
“By these means, I was able to hurl my good Russian sperm up a full 92 of your English ladies.
“Ha! This is a great victory for Russia against the imperialist running dogs of the British Establishment, no?”
Sergei said he’d never heard of Gareth Southgate – never mind realised he looked like him – until the England team arrived in Russia on June 12.
He said: “I was drinking vodka one morning with my friend and neighbour Alexei and we watch the arrival of the England team.
“Suddenly, Alexei shout ‘ Sergei Yvgenyvich! You look the spitting of the image of this England coach!’
“Alexi, who is a cunning man, then say ‘ You must travel to Moscow. All the English lady fans be convinced you are England manager and will lay their virtue before you like we lay the sickly grandmother before the wolf!’
Savings
“My friend Alexei is very good scholar, philosopher and a poet! No?”
Sergei took his pal’s advice and travelled to Moscow, leaving his firm in the care of his “sturdy” 83- year- old grandmother Olga.
He said: “I took the savings from my grandmother to pay for a hotel and drinks, etc. When I get to Moscow, it is filled with English who yell at me, ‘ Hey, Gareth
Southgate! Football it come home’ and they buy me much, much vodka.
“The ladies swarm over me like blackflies over the corpse of a bear and offer me blowjob in alleys behind of the bar.
“Two ladies invite me back to their hotel room that night. They say, ‘ Gareth Southgate, that funny Russian accent you put on is so sexy’.
“One of the ladies demand I put my firm Russian member in her tense anus. So I comply like a good patriotic comrade. Woof!”
Flushed by his initial success, Sergei then cut a swathe through randy female English fans.
He smiled: “They all swoon for me like drunken harlots from Siberia. It was like shooting geese in a barrel.
“I kept count in notebook given to me on my puberty by Uncle Fyodor Petrovich. Total tally is 92 I tell you.
“Eventually, I run out of roubles and must return to my work. But what a World Cup, yes? I was, how you say… over of the moon, no? “I salute you Mr Gareth Southgate!” Unfortunately, when he returned home on Friday after his fortnight of sexual adventuring, Sergei found his gran had been trampled to death by cows.
He said: “That did, as you English say, place the mockery on things a little. But, hey, she lived good life and bore me seven, strong healthy sons.”