BOGROLL DEATH SPIDER BIT ME RIGHT ON THE ARSEHOLE

LURKING: Toilet Roll Spider RELAXING on the toilet with a copy of his wife’s People’s Friend magazine last weekend, all was well in Brian Thompson’s world.

Until he reached for the toilet paper, where horror was lurking…

For unknown to Brian, sat ominously on the soft, triple- ply sheets was Steatoda vulgaris – commonly known as the Toilet Roll Spider.

Understandably upset at being disturbed from its slumbers and used to wipe Brian’s shit- streaked bumhole, the spider sank its venomous fangs into the 55- year- old’s vulnerable nipsy.

Still recovering at his home in Ramsgate, Kent, Brian told Sunday Sport: “Until a spider’s bitten you right on the arsehole, you have no idea of what pain it.

“It felt like a volcano had erupted in my rectum and my scream set every dog in the parish barking.

“My wife Linda came running up the stairs and found me writhing in agony on the bathroom floor. “She asked, ‘ What’s wrong Brian?’ I replied, ‘ It’s my arse… my poor arse’.

“At that point, I still had no idea it was a spider bite.”

In hospital, medics discovered the tell- tale puncture wounds on Brian’s arsehole and applied an antidote – but not before the area had grossly swelled, leaving the semi- retired welding consultant constipated for three whole days.

He added: “When I did manage a motion, the agony started all over again.

“From now on, I’ll check the loo roll every time I use it. I’ve learned my lesson.

“I’m just terrified one of these spiders may bite my dog Jasper on the WRITHING IN AGONY: Brian was savaged on his shitter dick or something. So now I carry him everywhere with me.”

The Toilet Roll Spider was unknown in Britain until 2013 when it was spotted in Dover.

The beast, now quite common across Britain, likes to lurk in the middle of toilet rolls, relishing the warm, damp conditions of the bathroom and the smell of human filth.

Related to the False Widow, its bite is agonising and victims have been known to die of shock or poisoning.