I’m stockpiling Mars bars… UP MY ARSE!

WARNING: How news broke WELL- PREPARED Bill Phillips isn’t scared one bit about an impending Mars bars shortage.

Because he’s got a secret stash squirrelled up his ARSE!

Britain shuddered last week when it emerged the makers of Mars warned the iconic confection could disappear from our shores in the event of a no- deal Brexit.

But 58- year- old Bill – a Mars fan all his adult life – decided to put contingency plans in place.

The clever plasterer from Crewe, Cheshire, said: “When I heard there may be a Mars bar shortage I thought ‘ No way!’

“I could panic or I could make plans… I decided on the latter.”

Bill bought every Mars bar at his local Tesco and each day is inserting one into his anus.

He beamed: “By the time the border posts go up in March 2019 I should have more than enough Mars bars in my arse to see out a

long siege.

“I imagine they’ll be worth a pretty penny after a few days of an EU blockade.

“But I shan’t sell them, not unless things get REALLY bad.”

It was revealed last year all confectionery imports into the UK would increase in price as a consequence of a hard Brexit.

But the situation could be more dire than was previously thought, with experts from the food industry telling Environment and Food Secretary Michael Gove a no- deal Brexit may result in the UK running out of treats – like Mars bars – within just two weeks.

A no- deal Brexit will put Britain effectively under siege, as warships from the navies of Spain, France, Germany, Denmark and Belgium READY FOR A SIEGE: Bill try to blockade us until we agree to punitive restrictions on our trade with the rest of the world.

Bill added: “I hope it doesn’t come to war with the EU but if it does, I’ll be ready.

“I’d advise everyone in Britain to start putting chocolate bars up their arses NOW.”