I thought of sending in the Wolf but used the Devil's magnum

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n. That place where a person's back stops and thus becomes their ringpiece. The Blue Peter Italian sunken garden.

n. 1) A film featuring Angelina Jolie. 2) A woman of easy affections.

n. What many a red- blooded male enjoys when his significant other is called away unexpectedly and he is left to his own devices at home.

n. A friend who suddenly disappears when its his turn to get the ale in.

n. A heavily used bog brush that is so caked with old feeshus and bits of paper that it resembles the eponymous lolly ice – probably without the ice cream filling, though.

n. A wanking sock so encrusted and infused with dried spoff that it would doubtless be impenetrable even to the razor talons of a bird of prey.

n. Getting the job done before the 10- minute preview on the mucky channel ends.

sim. See also as hard as Captain Scott's last morning stiffy; Elvis's last turd; Tarzan's feet; a policeman's knock; a Chinese wordsearch; Stephen Hawking's homework. “He said he was just shopping online for a present for his missus, but he had his lad in his hand and it was as hard as a goat's toe.” sim. A none- too- freshly trimmed bush in a skimpy bikini.

euph. When your dinner hasn't quite reached the departure lounge.

n. Taking your cock out. A kexit can be either hard or soft, but generally leads to some form of unpleasantness for someone.

n. The excessive watching of box sets while one's partner is out for the day.

n. Whipped up confection of fake offence, bogus indignation and synthetic anger, typically propogated on social media, and then widely reported as though it is an actual thing. Some smug c** t off breakfast telly pretending to get angry about a sausage roll that's been manufactured without slitting a pig's throat. Nowtrage.

euph. Taking one's beloved for a romantic evening drive to St Mary's lighthouse, Whitley Bay, to meet like- minded, headlamp- flashing incurable romantics in the car park. euph. A Tony Hart that could melt your face.

n. Annoying piece of used arsewipe that inflates with air during the flush and resists going down the pan.

euph. A fat bastard or salad dodger. One who has eaten all the pies.

euph. Embarking on a lengthy clean- up of the back of the toilet seat, one's cleft, one's wiping hand, one's shirt tails, and one's shirt cuffs following a really, unpleasant lavatory misadventure. From Harvey Keitel's character in the film Pulp Fiction and those insurance ads.

1. n. A more expensive version of shower gel. Which is itself just a more expensive version of washing up liquid. 2. n. Hand- made unguent produced during a very long, relaxing shower.

exclam. Chucklesome preamble to the delivery of a crunchy air biscuit.

n. Visit to the water closet which results in two simultaneous phenomena, viz, a ghost shit and drawing an ace, resulting in the confused toiletee wondering, due to lack of any physical evidence, whether the whole experience ever happened at all.

n. The dispiriting moment when Pele's erectile enhancement medication finally wears off.