THE VOICE OF YOUR BRITAIN

End Jackson's sick monkey business now

UNLIKE our cynical Fleet Street rivals, this newspaper retains an open mind in matters of the supernatural.

So when a concerned reader comes to us to report his monkey was BUMMED by the ghost of the dead kid-toucher Michael Jackson, we listen.

And Steve Gibson had a chilling story to tell.

Not only was his pet ape Lucius bummed up his little monkey arse by the spectre of the late pop nonce, it has been left with psychological trauma.

Indeed, the shock of being anally violated by the shade of a pervert has left the helpless animal a slave to the scourge of internet bingo.

This is not the first time we have reported on violations of monkeys perpetrated by the ghost of Jacko.

Indeed, we have been reporting on this troubling phenomenon since way back in 2013, but have the authorities listened?

Has a Royal Commission been established?

Has a High Court judge been tasked with looking into this outrage? No, no and thrice NO! Even the once-mighty Church of England – surely the guardian of our citizens' souls – has remained steadfastly silent on the issue. We can only wonder why… The time has come to action.

No innocent young monkey should shudder in fear at the approach of Jackson's ghost.

Live and let swing

EVERY summer, Britain revels in thousands of outdoor festivals.

From the earnest Corbynism of well-heeled Glastonbury to the smallest village fete, we delight in the joy of an outdoor celebration.

Today we report from two of the more extraordinary beanos held in the good green fields of England – Swingest and Nudefest.

One a festival of wife-swapping, the other a celebration of nudity.

We salute attendees at both festivals.

They show that, despite all the polarisation of the political world, Britain is still a country where the ethos of “live and let live” rules supreme.