HE TAKES ALL THE WEEK’S NEWS & PULLS ITS PANTS DOWN

MONDAY

THE Grease actress and singer Olivia Newton- John says she’s been using medical marijuana to help in her cancer battle.

We wish her all the best but she needs to be careful.

One day it’s medical marijuana, the next she’ll be singing You’re The Bong That I Want. Then it’s only a matter of time before she moves to other vices and finds herself Hopelessly Addicted To Glue.

TUESDAY

FADING footballer Wayne Rooney makes a shock move back to English football by signing for Championship club Derby. He was lured back after being offered a very tempting deal involving 32Red. Not to mention 53Blonde and – his personal favourite – 1BlueRinse.

WEDNESDAY

TALKING of football, a survey of fans finds that Tottenham supporters reckon they make the best lovers.

That’s only to be expected.

They never come first .

THURSDAY

SALES of canned water boom as thirsty customers turn away from plastic bottles in a bid to be more environmentally friendly. Well, it’s a start. What we really need is a system of pipes and valves which could distribute water around the country without the need for ANY packaging at all. But I guess that’s just the stuff of science fiction fantasy.

FRIDAY

BUT there’s bad news for the green brigade as the fast food giant McDonalds admits that its paper straws – brought in to replace the plastic ones – can’t be recycled.

Man, that really sucks.

Which is more than you can say about the straws after they go anywhere near liquid for more than five seconds.

SATURDAY

SCIENTISTS invent an artificial tongue which is so sensitive that it can be used to detect counterfeit whisky.

Let’s be honest – give most blokes a controllable tongue and we WON’T be using it on our drinks trolley.

So it’s probably a good job that it’s used to tasting a lot of “Bells”.