I’ve stockpiled up my arse before the bastards shrink them

WHEN Terry Garside heard choc bosses were going to shrink his favourite Cadbury Chomp bars, he decided to panic- buy for the first time in his life.

But with more than two dozen of the chocolate and toffee treats, he was faced with a dilemma – where to store them.

Unwaged Terry, 59, of Haverfordwest, Pembrokeshire, explained: “I knew that if I kept them in my room at the hostel, they wouldn’t last five minutes as they’d be stolen.

“I couldn’t put them in my pockets as pickpockets would nick them.

“I was stumped for a while and started to get worried.”

Then crafty Terry came up with a brainwave…

He said: “It came to me after my second bottle of cider. If I hid them up my arse, nobody would be able to get their filthy thieving hands on my Chomps.”

Terry found a quiet corner and inserted a grand total of 27 into his bottom.

He continued: “I was quite surprised actually, getting 27 up there, because I rather pride myself on having a rather tight arsehole. I’m not one of those men who walks about with a slack arsehole.

“But now I know my Chomps are safe from thieves. I’m not entirely sure how I’m going to shit, though. We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.”

Confection fans were left saddened though unsurprised last week when it emerged that popular Cadbury chocolate bars including Chomp, Curly Wurly and Fudge will shrink next year.

Clearly believing we came down with the last shower of rain, Cadbury owner Mondeléz claimed that the snacks were being shrunk for the good of the kiddies.

A spokesperson said: “We are not prepared to change the recipes of these much- loved products as we know REAR- LY GOOD PLAN: Terry has put Chomps in safe storage that taste is the most important thing to our consumers.

“We’re committed to taking action to tackle childhood obesity and portion control is recognised as one of the most effective ways of tackling it.”