Taboo sex with wife is pain in the arse

( HIC!) Shhooozi never ( HIC) said she lived with a couple of muff divers

Ha, ha. We’re not lesbians. We just like a bit of girlie fun

Well, let me know if you fancy a bit of ( HIC!) mature cock

I KNOW that lots of people rave about sex up the WRONG ’ UN but I can’t see what the fuss is all about really. My missus let me stick my cock up her tight bumhole on our wedding night.

In fact, it was the promise of doing the dirty deed that was the main reason I agreed to marry her in the first place.

But thinking back on that night I have to say it was a bit of a disappointment.

Although her ring is nice and tight, the rest of her arse is like a ruddy cavern, so there wasn’t much to grip around my knob.

We spent quite some time easing into it – so to speak – and used lots of lube on both her arsehole and my willy, before I slid my rock- hard dick into her butt.

She seemed to love having a cock in her arse, as she was wailing away like a banshee and rubbing her clit as I pounded away at her.

But it just did nothing for me. When I shag her in her tight, warm pussy, every inch of my cock is massaged by her intimate muscles.

So why would I want to shag her up the wrong ’ un when her right ’ un is perfect for me?

Dad? Are you in the bedroom? Mum’s here too!

Well, I believe I have the answer. I think that it’s just having dirty thoughts about bum sex that gets most of us lads going.

It’s about a woman being sexually taboo enough to let us put our rods of steel somewhere they’re not really meant to go.

In reality, it seems to me that bum sex is all a bit rubbish and not what it’s cracked up to be.

Which is why I never really wanted to try it a second time, just that one night was probably enough for me.

Anyway, now my missus has said I can try it again for our wedding anniversary.

But I haven’t got any particular interest in sticking my member up there – even if it is a special treat.

Frankly, I’d much rather try some Fifty Shades of Grey- style bondage or get the missus to dress up in some fetish gear.

What should I tell her? I don’t want to offend or upset her.

NH, Notts

Lexi says…

WAS your first normal shag any good? Lots of people are disappointed by the first time… but they carry on shagging and discover it can be amazing.

Yet you’re willing to completely write off bum sex after trying it just the once.

Back when you first got married you were both probably a bit naïve in bed.

So this time round might be quite a magical experience – for you both.

As for bondage and fetish sex, why not suggest them both to her – she might be up for trying them, too.

And you could always try slipping her one up the arse at the same time.

Oh, friggin’ hell!