SEPTIC MEG

Introducing Britain’s most PESSIMISTIC astrologer…

IT is the last day of the month of your precious star sign – the end, if you like. Which, with current events, makes you wonder why you ever bother with this nonsense.

YOUR hair has gone haywire since stylists and barbers closed. Just thank God you’re not Scottish First Minister Nicola Sturgeon, whose bonce was bad before the epidemic.

ANIMAL welfare charities have reported a surge in people wanting to adopt cats and dogs during the lockdown. This is in no way related to the lack of meat in most supermarkets.

FORGET astrologers who tell you you’re going to meet a tall, dark stranger and that you’re about to come into money…

Septic Meg tells it like it is – UTTERLY SHITE!

Other newspapers’ stargazers are filled with optimistic balderdash, which leaves you completely unprepared for the vale of tears that is the real world.

Did any other newspaper astrologer see the coronavirus coming? Of course they f** king didn’t.

So here’s how YOUR immediate future is going to pan out, according to our very own SEPTIC MEG!

LEO ladies. With people using open spaces being branded lepers, keep fit at home by doing naked “reverse parking” on your gentleman’s lap. He deserves it after having to listen to you 24/ 7 for weeks now.

YOU are still going to parks to take photos of people in parks and then slag off said people for going to parks. Face it – you’re a f** king nosey- parkie.

ONLINE cookery classes have become all the rage. Join in by using whatever’s left in the cupboard – toothpicks, a dusty six- year- old bottle of Crème de Menthe and old hotdogs.

YOU are self- isolating in your back yard with a four- pack of barley wine. Perk things up with a game of DIY whack- a- mole by tossing random bricks over the wall into next door’s residential home.

SAVE your tissue paper for important things like sneezing and wiping your arse. By using curtains to wipe away tears, they’ll end up so stiff they’ll make great blackout shutters.

YOU think it’s strange how the price of petrol plummets when the vast majority of us are told not to drive. It’s like being beckoned at through a fit Amsterdam hooker’s window a week before payday.

YOU’VE been secretly reading up about a sudden proliferation in the number of calls made to divorce lawyers. And so has your wife.