SEAT-SNIFF PERV SENT TO THE LOONY BIN

Poo-smeared Clinton cracks up over snurging shortage Condom sales flop in crisis

IT’S not just a terrible toll of death that the China unleashed on the world, thanks to their godless eating habits.

Their filthy coronavirus and the associated global lockdown have also led to a tsunami of mental health problems.

Even the mentally robust have suffered dark feelings of anxiety and melancholy.

And cut off from support networks, the vulnerable have teetered on the brink of full- blown insanity.

One man who tipped into the abyss is seat- sniff perv Clinton Dennison.

The 35- year- old was found on Thursday night beside a deserted bicycle shed in Crewe, Cheshire, howling his obscene frustrations at the dark skies.

According to sources, he was stark naked and covered in what looked to be his own filth.

A support worker from the nuthouse where Clinton was taken “for his own and the public’s safety”

said last night: “Clinton’s life is sniffing bicycle seats and the bottoms of famous folk.

“The lockdown has taken away his life. The bike sheds are deserted as virtually no- one is cycling to work.

“He cannot travel to London – his favourite place for hunting celeb arses – as all non- vital journeys are forbidden.

“I’m surprised he’s lasted this long before

BRITS are having less sex due to COVID19 – and it’s bad news for nodder makers.

The firm behind Durex condoms has said sales have fallen as the coronavirus lockdown is “having a toll on the number of intimate occasions” in the UK and across the world.

Laxman Narasimhan, boss of Reckitt Benckiser, the British company that bought Durex in 2010, said condom sales had dropped as people are unable to have as much sex because of the strict physical distancing rules.

He revealed the amount of sex people were having had “gone down a lot in Italy”, and had also fallen in the UK and

MENTAL MAELSTROM: Dennison

DESERTED: Britain’s bike sheds cracking. He might be a vile little pervert but nobody deserves the mental maelstrom he’s enduring right now.”

One regular celebrity target of Clinton’s – who asked not to be named due to Royal connections – said: “For almost 10 years that man has been trying to sniff my bottom and I even had to give up riding a bike because he left his snot on my saddle so many blasted times.

“But even though he’s a pest, I wish him a speedy recovery.” elsewhere as people stopped having casual hook- ups.

Meeting up with people who do not live in the same household is against lockdown rules.

“What you see is this virus is having a toll on the number of intimate occasions in the UK,” he said.

Narasimhan added that young people in the UK were having “significantly” less sex than before the lockdown started on March 23.

He said increased anxiety had also led to less sex between established couples – stress leads to floppy cock and dry minge.