Nipping off for plopmaster, I was taken by bowel buckaroo

THE LATEST edition of Viz comic is on sale now, with its regular update of the ace Roger's Profanisaurus.

Get Viz – priced

£ 3.80 – from your newsagents now.

Here's a selection of our favourites...

n. Descriptive of the hostile body language employed by a gentleman lost in the act of self love. “If Kelly Brook wanted to lift the nation's spirits during these uncertain times, she could get them out again, and we could all have a simultaneous angry one at 8 o'clock.”

n. Small wads of rolled up chod wipe found nestled betwixt the ample bummocks of a salad dodger.

n. The picture of the mother or mother- in- law that appears on your mobile phone that alerts you to carefully put it down, in case you answer it by mistake.

n. medic. The Tom tits.

1. n. Elaborate, elevated wrought iron structure which links two headlands across the Bristol Channel. Also known as the Clifton Suspension Bridge. 2. n. Elaborate, elevated lace structure which links two knockers across the Bristol channel. A bra. See also titpants, knocker hoppers, rack sack, two- ring circus etc.

1. n. A device used to light a barbecue. 2. n. The arsehole. Which may also, in some extreme circumstances, be used to light a barbecue.

n. A subgene of clickbait that tricks chaps into believing that a cultural artefact is about something manly, such as football, boxing or motorsports, when it is really about soppy girly things like relationships, eg. The English Game on Netflix.

n. Wall- to- wall coverage of the coronavirus.

n. The last piece of foulage that resists the urge to go to the beach with the rest when the bog is flushed, and does half a dozen clockwise circuits before following its colleagues. Also bob- a- jobbie, humming turd, non- mover at number two.

n. prop. A social outcast who's always skint as he can't walk past a betting shop, and is always looking for a tap. “Hide your wallets, lads, Debt Fred has just walked in and it's the Grand National tomorrow.”

exclam. Exclaimed after dropping your guts during a pandemic.

sim. Something exceptionally dry, despite appearances suggesting otherwise. “Come on, luv. Make a bit of an effort, will you? I've been rubbing away for a good 10 minutes and you're drier than Prince Andrew's armpit.”

sim. When a fellow's been pulling skin wheelies so often that his todger has indentations for his fingers to grip, similar to the erstwhile bicycle.

adj. Blessed in the top bollocks department. “F* ck me, Terry. Have you seen that Jock weather bird on the telly? Proper mammed up she is. Her kids won't be going hungry!”

n. A well- timed morning dump that is taken while Ken Bruce plays a record between the two sets of questions on his famous Radio 2 quiz.

sim. “After all those years of shagging rock stars, that Pats( name obscured on legal advice) nsit must have a starfish like a Sports Direct mug, your Majesty.”

1. n. In the context of a human- borne illness, an individual who is more likely to infect others, compared with a typical infected person. 2. n. A woman who goes a bit. 3. n. Someone who leaves the toilet bowl in a state of disarray.

sim. Descriptive of an ageing chicken skin handbag that has seen better days in terms of hygiene and sexual health.

v.

To paint something.

n. Overpriced bullshit drinks like dark fruit cider, chocolate beer, martini spritzer, and most modern gins. “Pint for me, please, and a small wankohol for the missus.”

1. acronym. Working From Home – fulfilling your work commitments and definitely not spending all day sat around the house in your pyjamas, surfing the internet and WFH ( see 2). 2. acronym. Wanking From Home.