AFTER SUFFERING A BROKEN LEG, SPRAINED ARM AND A SNAPPED FINGER, LONELY ALAN WARNS… Sex with your hoover is a

THAT’S

AFTER eight long weeks of lockdown loneliness, horny Alan Derbyshire was starting to get desperate.

Forced to isolate away from his girlfriend Tina, who lives 130 miles away, the lack of sex was driving him mad.

Which is why he decided to think outside the box when it came to new ways to improve his masturbation.

But after carving a hole in a melon and sitting on his arm until it went numb, he was running out of ideas.

Which is when his eye fell upon his Henry Hoover.

Alan, a 34- year- old chef from Kidderminster, said: “I thought a blowjob involves your cock being sucked and what could be better at sucking that a hoover.

“You have to remember that I’d been furloughed and on my own for eight weeks. I wasn’t in the soundest of minds.

“I looked at Henry and thought, ‘ why not?’ Of course, I worried it might make me a bit of a gay, it being a male hoover and all that.

“But then I realised it was an inanimate object and therefore not subject to current gender constructs. So, I whipped his hose out, stuck it over my old chap and switched him on.

“Immediately, the pain that hit me was immense.

“I staggered backwards and fell down the stairs, knocking myself out cold in the process.

“I woke up in the hallway with my finger facing the wrong way, my arm in agony and an awful pain in my leg.

“I had to crawl to my phone and call for an ambulance, then somehow make it to the front door to let the paramedics in when they came.

“God knows what they thought when they saw the state I was in, what with me being naked from below the waist.

“They might’ve had an inkling, though, when I asked them if they’d switch off the hoover, which was still going full blast at the top of the stairs.

“Thankfully, they patched me up, but it will take a while to heal.

“Ironically, I hurt my wanking hand so I can’t even knock one out anymore!

“If anyone is thinking of having sex with your hoover, let me tell you, it is a very bad idea!”

SUCKER: Alan found out the hard way that it’s not a good idea to use a Henry as a wanking aid