I’ll fund your space rockets Richard, if you help me bum an alien! FIDGET SPINNER TYCOON’S HELPING HAND FOR FELLOW BILLIONAIRE BRANSON
READER PIC
OVER the last week I’ve read thousands upon thousands of words about Dominic f** king Cummings.
I’ve watched people getting hot and bothered on social media about whether or not he broke the Government’s lockdown laws.
Some numb- nutted headbangers even gathered outside Cummings’s house in London to wail abuse at him.
One soppy tart wearing a helmet ( see, f** king headbangers) filmed herself bleating.
Every sad twat’s the star of their own feature film these days, aren’t they? I bet her four and half Twitter followers loved that little epic.
Alastair Campbell, patron saint of the dodgy dossier – a document that sent thousands to their graves – was allowed on the telly to talk about honesty.
Surely if there was a God, Campbell he would have been struck down by a bolt of righteous lightning there and then!
On the other side, Government ministers have trotted out the line that Cummings “followed the rules” – a line written for them by Cummings himself.
Ministers of the Crown – the heirs to Gladstone, Churchill and Disraeli – dancing to the tune of the hired help?
Jesus wept!
And as for Cummings’s appearance before the Press? It was the hottest ticket in town. He kept us waiting for ages like he was Madonna or something.
And then?
A boring load of drivel. Did we really need to know that his kid went for a piss in the woods?
Disappointing? It was up there with Star Wars prequel The Phantom Menace.
I would have welcomed Jar Jar Binks crashing out of the rose bushes, to be honest.
In fact, it was during that press conference that it hit me…
I don’t give a flying F** K if Cummings broke the law or not.
And I don’t care tuppence if thousands of people flock to Cornwall to pile onto the beach.
Going to sunbathe in the park? Go ahead. Have an oily clusterf** k for all I care.
Me? Well, I’ll carry on social distancing.
It’s not because I’m afraid of catching COVID – but because many, many people are annoying and stupid and noisy and complete self- righteous arseholes.
And while they are being annoying and stupid and noisy and complete self- righteous arseholes, they’re also pretending to be angry about a man they’ve never met doing something they would have done if they could.
Death plague? It’s just what this planet needs.
TYCOON: Richard Branson and ( failed rocket launch
IT’S been a trying few months for billionaire Sir Richard Branson…
The lockdown pissed all over his hotel group and cruise firm plans while the slump in air travel has sent his airline reeling.
And when the tycoon went cap in hand for a £ 500m government loan to tide him over and also laid off more than 3,000 workers, a tsunami of adverse publicity engulfed him.
Earlier this month, it was reported Virgin Group was selling off 25 million shares, worth £ 405m, in Branson’s space tourism dream – Virgin Galactic – to help prop up existing businesses.
And last week to put a shitty cherry atop a shit gateau, a Virgin Orbit rocket failed after it was launched from a 747 off the coast of southern California.
But all is not lost, as a fellow billionaire has extended a helping hand.
Bobby Atkins, who made a mint selling fidget spinners during the short- lived craze, says he will bankroll Richard Branson – in return for space alien BUM SEX!
Atkins, 38, chuckled:
PROPOSAL: Bobby Atkins wants to probe a little green man’s stinker
“My untold billions have allowed me to bonk pop stars, actors and even county councillors – but I still really want to bum a space alien.
“For that I need a ride in a spaceship. Richard has a spaceship, so it’s a no brainer.”
Bobby added: “I want is a seat on every Virgin Galactic spaceflight until we come across a space alien who I can bum up the arse.
“And in return, I’ll give Richard all the capital he needs.”
However, when Sunday Sport put the proposal to a source close to Sir Richard he said: “We’re fighting for our f** king survival here and you’re just taking the piss!”