KILLJOY TORIES BAN W*NKING AND EVEN FROM SWIMMING BATHS

EXCLUSIVE

STROKES OF BAD LUCK: Pool rules will infringe our rights

BORIS Johnson’s government has been accused of “pandering to snowflakes” and being “spineless” after new rules for reopened swimming pools emerged.

Swimming baths were among the first facilities to close in March as the Chinese death plague swept in from the bat- eating Orient.

But with infections rates slowly falling the swimming community is looking forward to returning to the water, maybe early next month.

A rulebook, entitled ‘ Returning

To The Pool’, has been developed by Swim England, the sport’s governing body, along with the Department for Digital, Culture, Media and Sport, ahead of a government decision on the reopening of pools.

But buried away in its pages are recommendations that could change the face of swimming FOREVER, traditionalists fear.

The new rules include bans on, masturbation, furtling, groving and even BACKSNURGING.

One furious swimmer took to Twitter to rage: “We know what is not allowed in swimming pools: petting, smoking, bombing, ducking, shouting or acrobatics.

“Everything else should be allowed!”

Last night a government source said: “We are following the science. The scientists tell us that the close proximity involved in groving ( putting your penis is a lady’s hand and starting to cry) is a sure- fire way to spread the virus.

“Backsnurging is less risky but not without risk, and as for furtling – that should never have been allowed in swimming pools anyway.”

TAKING LIBERTIES: Thompson Mortimer blasted the new rules