IT’S BEEN MONTHS SINCE THE SHELVES WERE STRIPPED AS BRITS SNAPPED UP LOCKDOWN SUPPLIES – NOW CONSUMER CHAMPION ROD COLLINS COMES TO YOUR RESCUE… What is the best panic-bought food to have sex with?

OK, hands up – who succumbed to fear and went out panic- buying ahead of lockdown?

I know I did.

With the prospect of months cooped up while the miasma of the Chinese Death Plague swirled outside, we all worried about keeping ourselves fed and our bums wiped.

Supermarket shelves were stripped bare and each morning saw queues of desperate folk ready to grab whatever was on offer to stock up their bunkers.

As it was, the nation did not come close to starving.

Supermarket staff put in a superhuman effort and after a few weeks of restrictions on the amount of stuff we could buy, things returned to normal.

Of course that meant we were all left with mountains of tinned grub at home – enough to last us

THIS chopped pork treat won the war for Britain and is still a favourite on sandwiches or fried as fritters.

It seems almost sacrilegious to fornicate with such an icon, but if you get over your qualms, it’s well worth it.

The firmness of the meat combined with its not- too- wetness makes it not unlike having sex with a woman on the cusp of menopause.

A delight: 4/ 5 through a nuclear winter.

But none of us wants to live on baked beans and the like until Christmas, so what can we do with all this stuff?

Simple.

Have SEX with it! Naturally, having sex with anything tinned involves a certain amount of laceration risk. For safety, I emptied all the contents into an old hiking sock for this test, but you could use a Tupperware vessel, a teacup or beaker.

Anyway, here’s what I found…

ANOTHER wartime hit but pretty much the Marmite of tinned meats.

But while some swear by a corned beef butty, I cannot imagine anyone enjoying congress with this meat.

Far, far too dry and with jelly that besmears the pubis.

At the end, you are left with a crumbly mess that fills you with an uneasy shame akin to that felt after accidentally glimpsing an old lady’s panties as she falls in the street: 2/ 5

PUT TO THE TEST: Rod

STOCKING UP: Brits

NO, no, no!

Robert Burns may have declared this north- of- the- border treat “the great chieftain o’ the pudding- race” but the haggis is no great shakes in bed.

The oatmeal content of the haggis makes it unpleasantly abrasive and the spiciness of the meat irritates the glans.

Best we leave these intriguing creatures free to scamper across the Highland glens: 1/ 5